Almost Christmas

I can't believe it's almost Christmas. Today is my brothers 17th birthday, but I havent talked to him in months. Out of nowhere my mom sent me an email. It was short and she was just wishing me a merry Christmas. My computer crashed so right now im having to use my phone to post.

Monday, Monday, Monday!

Why are Mondays always so bad? You can almost gurantee something will go wrong on a Monday. Matt and I talked a lot yesterday. It helped relieve immediate fustrations, but we know we have a long way to go to get back to where we used to be. Everything is going ok in that department. Now it's financial issues. Of all months, we decided to move in December. Between Christmas and moving, we are sooo broke. I hate not having a little extra money just in case something happens. We have all been sick too, which costs more money. We've spent well over $200 on just doctors appointments and medications. So we have spent a lot of the money we had saved back for bills because everything that has went on this past month. Looks like some bills will just be late. Guess its a good thing that I'm working part time still. I'm kind of looking for a "normal work hours" type job, but not really actively doing it. I did apply for a job at the city, but I just don't feel like I'm qualified for it. If I got it, it would be so awesome. Now that I've started working, I feel like I just can't stay at home. I just don't feel productive enough.

Speaking of Christmas, I'm losing the spirit of it, day by day. At first, when Thanksgiving came around, I was excited. As it gets closer to Christmas, I just don't feel like doing anything. Its still hard getting through the holidays. This is our second Christmas without him, but I think that I'll actually be able to get out of bed. Last year was sooo horrible. I just wanted to sleep the day away. I don't even think I got dressed that day. We didn't go see any family. I'm suprised that I even wrapped presents for the boys. It was so depressing. I'm just glad that the boys are young enough that hopefully they won't remember it. So far this year isn't a whole lot better. I still have a little bit of shopping to do for Jack and get stocking stuffers. We don't have any decorations up. All of that stuff is still in Abilene. I miss my stuff, lol. Maybe thats another reason why I'm not so much in the mood for the holiday. This year has been better than last year and hopefully will continue to make more progress in the right direction, next year.

Ugh...Men

From the title you can see that this post is going to be about men. It's actually about only one of them, my husband. I'm so effin irritated with him right now. We got into an argument last night because he seems to almost always be late for everything. He knew that I had to work, but he comes in an hour late! Of course I'm mad because he made me late. I'm tired of always being late because of him. I HATE being late. As I'm telling him that I'm tired of being late all the time because of him, he starts going off on me about how I don't keep the house clean enough. This pissed me off even more. I mean really? I know that I'm not the perfect house keeper, but my house isn't just gross. I've seen peoples homes that have almost looked unliveable. I just don't get it. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'll always not be good enough for some reason. I feel like I don't deserve this. I just want a husband to respect me and love me. I love him and he's my bestfriend, but we're going in the wrong direction. We are going in different directions with our lives instead of going together. I just don't know anymore.

Struggles of the Day

So I haven't talked to any of my family besides one of my aunts and her family since August. I told my parents that all the stuff that happened between Matt and my brother was my breaking point. I told them that my brother wasn't allowed to see my children until he started acting like an adult. He isn't adult yet, but he expects to be treated like one. At that point I told my parents that smoking and drinking was never allowed around my boys again. We have told them these things over the years and have just ignored us. Matt and I have put up with it because they are grandparents of our children. It pisses me off so bad knowing that Jack should NEVER be around smoke because of his respiratory issues. Everytime we would go visit Jack would start having coughing fits. My dad would almost always be drunk. My family had the nerve to tell me how Matt was such a horrible person. After all the things they have done, they should be the last ones to be judging someone elses character. I know Matt isn't perfect, but who is? Anyways after telling my parents how we didn't want these negative things in our childrens lives, my mom laughed at me. Yep, she just laughed. This was the point where I just said fuck it. I feel like she isn't worth my time anymore. I mean how hard is it to be sober and not smoke for an hour or two to see your grandkids?! I know she doesn't want to have anything to do with my boys. Matt took Jack over to their house one night, a couple months ago, and my mom wouldn't even come out of her room to see Jack. I wasn't suprised because she always treated Jack different. For some reason Zachary was aways more important. She would always let Zachary get away with things. If the boys would be fighting, it was always Jacks fault. SO, today I'm getting Christmas cards ready to send out in the mail. I'm having a mental struggle over if I should send my dad one. I know its just a card, but sending it out would be a huge step. I literally have not said a word to him. I have ignored his texts and calls. I've completely taken him out of my life. So the decision seems clear, right? No, it isn't. My dad HAS been trying to do better. Like when Matt took Jack to see my parents, my dad did not smoke or drink and acted like an adult from what Matt said. My dad has seriously been trying to do better so that I will let him see the boys and me. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to reconcile. I feel like I must be completely proven to before I give him a chance. I don't want to take things lightly and then get burned. I seriously don't know what to do.

On a lighter subject, I'm way stressed out about the holidays. We are so not ready for them. We just moved and still have boxes everywhere. We haven't gotten a christmas tree yet. All of our decorations are still in Abilene. We aren't even half way done shopping for gifts and Christmas is only 10 days away!! I was off to a good start and had like 4 people done by Thanksgiving and now I have bought one gift for Zach and one other of our secret santa. As part of my new year resolutions i'm going to put shopping throughout the year for gifts instead of the week before Christmas as one of them. Luckily these are my only struggles. It can always be worse.

Time for an Update

     Here it is December again. Almost another year gone again. While this year has been rough, I don't think it was as bad as last year. Since I last updated we had to deal with Stetsons first birthday. It was filled with sadness, emptiness, and confusion. We didn't know how to celebrate it, or even if it was right to celebrate. It was a rough day. We didn't do much of anything that day, just laid around. Another day we had to get through was the first anniversary of his death and that was a tough one too. Although they were both bad, I think his birthday was the hardest.
     In my last post I talked about how I had just put in the application for college. Well I started and I'm now done with my first semester. I LOVE college!! I've wanted to go to college for awhile now, and I'm in love with it. My first semester I took a remedial math and english class, along with a pyschology class. They were all fairly easy, not what I would call challenging. I made two B's and one A. I could have easily made higher grades than these if I had put more into it. The remedial classes were like a review, so I found them quite boring. I am registered for the next semester and am going full time. I will be taking general pyschology, intro to anatomy and pyhsiology, medical terms, and speech. I'm really excited to get started on these because these are important prereqs. for me to get into the nursing program. I think my last post says LVN, but I have decided that the associates RN degree is a better choice for me.
     Matt has started a new job, which pays a lot better and works less. He seems to really enjoy his job, which is something I have never seen, haha. I'm glad that he has finally found a job that he is happy with. I had quit my job in October. I had quit so that I could focus more of my time on school, which definitely paid off. I am now working only a day and a half back at the same company.
     Christmas is almost here and I actually feel a little bit of the spirit. This year we actually plan on spending the holidays with family unlike last year. Its December 11th and we still haven't gotten a tree yet, lol. I'm a little stressed out at this point because we have only shopped for 5 people!! We are on the countdown and theres only 14 days!! 13 days for the family we'll be seeing on christmas eve!!! Then after that Jacks 3rd birthday! While I love this time of year, I'm so ready for it to be over.
     Speaking of Jacks third birthday, I'm really dreading it. After all the things we've been through the past for years, I'm really nervous about Jack turning 3. When Jack was in the PICU at Scott & White, the doctors found all of his heart problems. Well one issue was medicated and taken care of. They told us at the age of three, they wanted to do an evaluation of the hole in his heart. They told us that there was a chance that the hold may close up on its own. It still scares the hell out of me. After seeing Stetson going through so many surgeries involving his heart, it terrifies me what could happen to Jack.
     Now that we are living in a place thats bigger than 200sqft. I'm hoping to keep this blog updated more.