Confused is the only thing I could think of that was relevant to how I feel. Today I almost feel angry. I feel angry because I should have a son thats almost 2 and I should be 7 months pregnant. However, I don't have either one. I try to make sense of why these things are not here, but today I don't want to reason.
I feel like a child who has lost their innocence prematurely. My life will never be like it once was. I worried about the smallest things. I'm always thinking what if. I'm tired of it. I just want to let the fear go, but it clings to me. I try to do things to improve my life everyday, but theres always something pulling me back, bringing me down. Its an uphill battle and I'm wondering when I will reach the top of the mountain.
Today, I am also missing Arkansas. I can't really pinpoint why. I don't know if its because my favorite memory of Stetson was made there or if I actually miss the area. Maybe i just want that "innocence" back. I honestly don't like Waco. I know its because I have bad memories here. I feel like nothing is here for me. I can't wait to finish school so I can leave. If you look at Waco objectively, its really not a bad town. Its not too big or small. Lots of family things to do. I just can't see Waco as others see it. I think I miss Arkansas because it was somewwhere new. It has some qualities of Texas but it was different. I think today I am just yearning of something that once was that i can never have back. =/