A Journey Through Motherhood

;(

2011-10-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

The last few days I've been having some pretty crazy dreams that are really realistic. Two nights ago I had a really vivid dream about someone breaking into the house. It freaked me out enough to think about getting a dog. It really got to me, but last night my dreams were worse. I will start with the happier dream. I had a dream that we had two girls. They were either twins or really close in age. That scares the crap out of me!! I really don't want twins. I don't think I could handle it and I don't want kids THAT close in ages. Hopefully it was just a crazy dream that means nothing. My second dream, however, really got to me. We have a friend who's husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was told that he had about a year. Well my other dream last night was of him dying. For me it was really disturbing because it seemed so real. About midmorning this morning I was told her husband passed away. I couldn't believe it. It gave me the chills for almost a hour. Just thinking about it now gives me the chills. I can't remember ever having a dream like that and it being somewhat true. I feel so bad for her and her family. Life is so unfair. This all brings back memories of Stetson. Some friends and I are trying to come up with ways to help her out. All I can think about is how I was when Stetson died. I pretty much closed myself off from the world. All I remember is sleeping the time away. That's all I wanted to do. I look at pictures where I'm smiling and I know they were fake. I can't even remember the holidays during that year. Everything is just blank. I think of my friend and try to imagine how I would be if I lost Matt. I don't know what I would do. I hope she finds some comfort in her family and friends.

OMFG!!

2011-09-25T21:13:00.000-07:00

I'M PREGNANT!!!

I found out two days ago. I honestly didn't expect since we had been trying for so long with no luck! I'm super exicted and scared!! I'm 5 weeks today and I've been known to miscarriage up to the 6th week :( Once I'm 7 weeks I'll breathe a little easier. Since Stetson got sick and died I've become this person who worries about everything. I was going to avoid an ultrasound, but now I want to have one just to make sure everything is good and if not, be able to prepare for whatever. Even though I'm worried about the what ifs, I'm sooooo excited!!! I can't wait to feel the baby move and to give birth. To be able to hold him or her, to take a million pictures. I miss everything that comes with a newborn. I haven't gotten to fully enjoy a baby since Zachary. Jack and Stetson were hospitalized within weeks of being born. I just can't wait to get into the 2nd semester. I'm going to savor every bit of this.

This is my motivation!!

2011-09-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

This semester has been a struggle for me since the begining. I can't say why because I have no idea why. A few years ago I joined a play group when Zach was about a year and half and Jack was only a couple of months old and left it a few months after. I went through the message board all the way from the begining. Then I saw that they had posted about Stetson passing away. I knew a lot of people had been praying and whatnot, but for some reason it hit me. All those days at the hospital seem like a blur and I can't tell you who called or left a message saying they we're thinking of us. Now, looking back it's overwhelming. I'm very thankful for everyone's thoughts and prayers. Anyways, to get back to the point, I know why I'm in school. Looking at the messages and the pictures, I have found my motivation. He's the reason why I'm in school. He will be the reason why I'll one day make a difference in a child's life. I will not give up on this don't matter what life throws at me. I'm doing this for him, myself, and for all the people that I'll help.

Life...

2011-09-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

Only 3 more months before we move!!!!! I'm getting sooo excited! I love my friends here in Waco and will miss them. BUT, I can't wait to leave this place! Starting in November I'll be actively packing. The last few weeks here are going to be minimial. Just enough to get Zachary through school.

Speaking of school, Zachary is doing great! He still loves it! I'm glad he does, because I know it won't last. However, I can't say this semester is going great. I'm making A's in all my classes, but I have absolutely no motivation. I think maybe I have too much going on. At least thats what I'm hoping. I have submitted an application to Tarrant Community College. I should know something soon. I don't see why I wouldn't get accepted. I have also started apps for UTA and Tarleton. I'm not sure if I'd be able to get into those. Maybe if I took the SAT or ACT?? MCC will be one of the things I'll miss about here.

My truck....is finally getting fixed. It quit on us going down the highway. My truck started smoking and it said to find a place to safely stop and then it died. Talk about being pissed!! It has only 43,000 miles on it and it freaking quit!! We had to have it towed to the Ford dealership. For weeks we have been fighting with them to fix it. We bought it brand new with the extended warranty which was $3500 extra. Ford kept telling us that they weren't going to fix it. I don't fucking think so! Today they tell us that Ford has authorized for them to fix it under the warranty. Damn right you are. Anyways, I'm excited about this so now I can trade it in for a car!!! I've been wanting something with way better fuel mileage and something thats easy to get around in the city. Can't wait for my pos to get repaired, lol.

Matt was also told that he may have a job back in doing industrial x-ray. We're hoping he gets it for various reasons. He'll be getting to sleep somewhat normal hours instead of a couple here and there. We could visit him on the weekends and breaks. We would be bringing in a whole lot more money. He can advance in this job field. Only thing is that he won't hardly have time off :/ but we could still visit him.

Overall, I think life is slowly getting back to that point of being perfect. I know it won't ever be perfect because Stetson isn't here with us, but I think we can get close to it. I miss that perfect feeling. I feel like I'm always chasing that feeling and sometimes it feels like it's just a few feet away.

Blah, Blah, Blah

2011-08-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

This is how I've been feeling all day. I sit here wishing life could be the way it used to feel. Perfect! Since those few months life feels like it will never compare to back then. I feel like I desperately try to get back to that way daily. I know deep down that it won't ever be the same, but I would like to feel that I can at least get close to feeling that way again. I can't complain though. I have good things going for me. I have a great husband even if I don't always appreciate him. I have amazing kids that love me no matter what and keep my life interesting. I'm in college doing what I've always dreamed of doing. The absence of him makes everything not seem as great as it should. I wish I could go back in time and make that one choice that could change this whole present. I had a bad feeling...why did I ignore it??!!

This time two years ago was so scary. We had hoped for the best even though things were looking so bad. It was so hard to get through. I didn't want to eat. All I wanted to do was sleep and hope that it had all been a nightmare. Now two years later and it still feels the same. I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare and I just want to wake up. How can so much time pass and feel like it happened yesterday? Why does the one day in my life I want to forget have to be the very first day of school for Zachary?! A day that I'll want to remember forever. I feel like I'm being constantly tested. Why can't life just be easy for just a day?

Here lately I've been feeling so....

2011-07-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

lost. My feelings are all over the place. I can't remember if I previously blogged about Matts incident last year. Matt got into an altercation with my brother which led to probation. Well Matt got fired yesterday. His boss claimed that he had never called into work to see if anything was going on. Matt had called a few times, but his boss never answered. Matt didn't even try to fight for his job. He could have shown his boss from his phone where he had tried to call, but instead he just said ok!!!! Since he's on probation nobody wants to hire him!! I'm so stressed!!!! I've been looking for jobs so that I can help out, but I'm being a little picky because I'm going to be going to school full time. All of this stress has led to other feelings. A part of me is telling me that this is a chance to do something else relationship wise. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and deeply care about him, but I'm at my breaking point. We've been through a lot together and I really, really hate to give up at this point. I feel like my love slips away a little each day. I remember when I used to be crazy about him. I wanted to be with him every waking moment and sleeping one, too, lol. Now, we can't even be around each other longer than a day without fighting. I guess it could just be marriage and not being in that honeymoon stage anymore. I just have so many conflicting feelings right now. At times, I feel like there's more out there for me. This is limited to realtionships. I feel like there is so much more out there for my career and the things I want to accomplish. However, I'm afraid that if I were to make a change like this, it would be the biggest mistake of my life. I have a husband that loves me and does his best to take care of me. He's literally my best friend. Nobody knows me like he does, not even close. I'm afraid of losing that to just a feeling of wanting more. But what if I'm just wasting my life away on just a fear? I'm just so lost. I wish I could see into the future to see what choice would be the best for me, my children, my whole family. I seriously don't know what to do.

Confused

2011-03-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

Confused is the only thing I could think of that was relevant to how I feel. Today I almost feel angry. I feel angry because I should have a son thats almost 2 and I should be 7 months pregnant. However, I don't have either one. I try to make sense of why these things are not here, but today I don't want to reason.

I feel like a child who has lost their innocence prematurely. My life will never be like it once was. I worried about the smallest things. I'm always thinking what if. I'm tired of it. I just want to let the fear go, but it clings to me. I try to do things to improve my life everyday, but theres always something pulling me back, bringing me down. Its an uphill battle and I'm wondering when I will reach the top of the mountain.

Today, I am also missing Arkansas. I can't really pinpoint why. I don't know if its because my favorite memory of Stetson was made there or if I actually miss the area. Maybe i just want that "innocence" back. I honestly don't like Waco. I know its because I have bad memories here. I feel like nothing is here for me. I can't wait to finish school so I can leave. If you look at Waco objectively, its really not a bad town. Its not too big or small. Lots of family things to do. I just can't see Waco as others see it. I think I miss Arkansas because it was somewwhere new. It has some qualities of Texas but it was different. I think today I am just yearning of something that once was that i can never have back. =/

Things are looking up...

2011-02-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

So far February has been awesome! Well minus all the sickness. I think we may have had the flu. Anyways school has really taken off. I'm kind of suprised how tough my speech class is. I thought it would be easy, but boy was I wrong. Also this month Glees new season started lol. Ok people who know me really well know that i'm not big on tv. However, here lately I watch a lot of tv at night and mainly just fox. Glee has become one of my favorites. This month i'll be turning 22. Nothing too spectacular. I don't have anything planned and I will not be drinking-i'll explain why. This month we have finally gotten financially stable. I have saved the best for last;) We have decided to start trying for baby #4!!!!! I'm so effin excited!!! Wednesday I should be getting my opks and pt tests! The only thing is that if I get pregnant this cycle my due date will fall on the day that Matts dad died. When I told him this he wasn't too thrilled, but chances are I wouldn't deliver on that day. Although Zachary came naturally on his due date.

School!!

2011-01-19T22:33:00.000-08:00

School is going great and even better than last semester. This semester should definitely be more challenging for me. I'm going full time and taking all my classes online this semester. I had a small doubt about how disciplined I would be at getting my assignments done. So far the I'm at the second week in and I'm doing great!!! I'm very proud of myself so far. I think I'll continue to do great because I'm so highly motivated to do this. I've had 3 assignments in my general psychology class and my average is at a 100! It would be awesome if I could keep it that way. I had a quiz for my speech class and missed only two problems. I'm going to be challenged in speech. I have to make videos of myself and post them to youtube for a grade, lol. I was able to make an account on youtube, now just to be able to upload the videos will be the tricky part,lol. Medical Terminology is way easy. We do a chapter each week and have a quiz every Friday. Very simple and easy for me to get ahead. My a&p class is pretty much a repeat of my science classes in high school. However, I been out of high school for four years so when we are doing two chapters a week and another chapter, then a test, it has kind of become overwhelming. I'm just going to take it step by step. Its just a huge review and a few things are new also, but not a whole lot. Overall I know a lot of people doubted me, which made me doubt myself. So far I can say that I proved these people wrong. I don't think ANYONE knows just how bad I want this. I tell people, but they just give me that look, like they expect me to not follow through. I used to be pretty motivated by things that I was passionate about, but lost it somewhere on the way. After everything that I have been through in the past years, has returned my motivation. Even after the pain of losing a child, I can now say that I absolutely love where my life is at and even more, the direction its taking. =)

:'( rough day

2011-01-19T11:11:00.000-08:00

Jack likes someone to sing to him when he's going to sleep. Usually it's no problem, but today it only reminded me of Stetson. We used the Brahms lullaby to put with Stetsons remains in the build a bear. I only knew a little part of the lyrics so I went to look them up. It kinda fits Stetson and made me get teary eyed. I miss him and wonder what he would be like today. I wonder how things would be different now. I started school because of him. We have all changed so much because of his death. Matt and I are planning to have another in a little less than two years from now. I'm excited, but so so scared. I'm afraid of losing another and not being able to make it. We have had miscarriages, but nothing compares to the loss of a child that you got to bond with, to hold, to love. I've become this paranoid person with the other boys too. I'm always worried about the what ifs. I wonder if it will go away and I will be able to relax. I just want to be able to be who I was before Jack even got sick. I used to never flip out over a cough, a sneeze, a stumble, etc. I don't think it will happen. I just have to adjust and try to relax as much as I can, especially when we will be expecting.

Almost Christmas

2010-12-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's almost Christmas. Today is my brothers 17th birthday, but I havent talked to him in months. Out of nowhere my mom sent me an email. It was short and she was just wishing me a merry Christmas. My computer crashed so right now im having to use my phone to post.

Monday, Monday, Monday!

2010-12-20T07:54:00.000-08:00

Why are Mondays always so bad? You can almost gurantee something will go wrong on a Monday. Matt and I talked a lot yesterday. It helped relieve immediate fustrations, but we know we have a long way to go to get back to where we used to be. Everything is going ok in that department. Now it's financial issues. Of all months, we decided to move in December. Between Christmas and moving, we are sooo broke. I hate not having a little extra money just in case something happens. We have all been sick too, which costs more money. We've spent well over $200 on just doctors appointments and medications. So we have spent a lot of the money we had saved back for bills because everything that has went on this past month. Looks like some bills will just be late. Guess its a good thing that I'm working part time still. I'm kind of looking for a "normal work hours" type job, but not really actively doing it. I did apply for a job at the city, but I just don't feel like I'm qualified for it. If I got it, it would be so awesome. Now that I've started working, I feel like I just can't stay at home. I just don't feel productive enough.

Speaking of Christmas, I'm losing the spirit of it, day by day. At first, when Thanksgiving came around, I was excited. As it gets closer to Christmas, I just don't feel like doing anything. Its still hard getting through the holidays. This is our second Christmas without him, but I think that I'll actually be able to get out of bed. Last year was sooo horrible. I just wanted to sleep the day away. I don't even think I got dressed that day. We didn't go see any family. I'm suprised that I even wrapped presents for the boys. It was so depressing. I'm just glad that the boys are young enough that hopefully they won't remember it. So far this year isn't a whole lot better. I still have a little bit of shopping to do for Jack and get stocking stuffers. We don't have any decorations up. All of that stuff is still in Abilene. I miss my stuff, lol. Maybe thats another reason why I'm not so much in the mood for the holiday. This year has been better than last year and hopefully will continue to make more progress in the right direction, next year.

Ugh...Men

2010-12-18T08:20:00.000-08:00

From the title you can see that this post is going to be about men. It's actually about only one of them, my husband. I'm so effin irritated with him right now. We got into an argument last night because he seems to almost always be late for everything. He knew that I had to work, but he comes in an hour late! Of course I'm mad because he made me late. I'm tired of always being late because of him. I HATE being late. As I'm telling him that I'm tired of being late all the time because of him, he starts going off on me about how I don't keep the house clean enough. This pissed me off even more. I mean really? I know that I'm not the perfect house keeper, but my house isn't just gross. I've seen peoples homes that have almost looked unliveable. I just don't get it. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I'll always not be good enough for some reason. I feel like I don't deserve this. I just want a husband to respect me and love me. I love him and he's my bestfriend, but we're going in the wrong direction. We are going in different directions with our lives instead of going together. I just don't know anymore.

Struggles of the Day

2010-12-15T15:10:00.000-08:00

So I haven't talked to any of my family besides one of my aunts and her family since August. I told my parents that all the stuff that happened between Matt and my brother was my breaking point. I told them that my brother wasn't allowed to see my children until he started acting like an adult. He isn't adult yet, but he expects to be treated like one. At that point I told my parents that smoking and drinking was never allowed around my boys again. We have told them these things over the years and have just ignored us. Matt and I have put up with it because they are grandparents of our children. It pisses me off so bad knowing that Jack should NEVER be around smoke because of his respiratory issues. Everytime we would go visit Jack would start having coughing fits. My dad would almost always be drunk. My family had the nerve to tell me how Matt was such a horrible person. After all the things they have done, they should be the last ones to be judging someone elses character. I know Matt isn't perfect, but who is? Anyways after telling my parents how we didn't want these negative things in our childrens lives, my mom laughed at me. Yep, she just laughed. This was the point where I just said fuck it. I feel like she isn't worth my time anymore. I mean how hard is it to be sober and not smoke for an hour or two to see your grandkids?! I know she doesn't want to have anything to do with my boys. Matt took Jack over to their house one night, a couple months ago, and my mom wouldn't even come out of her room to see Jack. I wasn't suprised because she always treated Jack different. For some reason Zachary was aways more important. She would always let Zachary get away with things. If the boys would be fighting, it was always Jacks fault. SO, today I'm getting Christmas cards ready to send out in the mail. I'm having a mental struggle over if I should send my dad one. I know its just a card, but sending it out would be a huge step. I literally have not said a word to him. I have ignored his texts and calls. I've completely taken him out of my life. So the decision seems clear, right? No, it isn't. My dad HAS been trying to do better. Like when Matt took Jack to see my parents, my dad did not smoke or drink and acted like an adult from what Matt said. My dad has seriously been trying to do better so that I will let him see the boys and me. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to reconcile. I feel like I must be completely proven to before I give him a chance. I don't want to take things lightly and then get burned. I seriously don't know what to do.

On a lighter subject, I'm way stressed out about the holidays. We are so not ready for them. We just moved and still have boxes everywhere. We haven't gotten a christmas tree yet. All of our decorations are still in Abilene. We aren't even half way done shopping for gifts and Christmas is only 10 days away!! I was off to a good start and had like 4 people done by Thanksgiving and now I have bought one gift for Zach and one other of our secret santa. As part of my new year resolutions i'm going to put shopping throughout the year for gifts instead of the week before Christmas as one of them. Luckily these are my only struggles. It can always be worse.

Time for an Update

2010-12-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

     Here it is December again. Almost another year gone again. While this year has been rough, I don't think it was as bad as last year. Since I last updated we had to deal with Stetsons first birthday. It was filled with sadness, emptiness, and confusion. We didn't know how to celebrate it, or even if it was right to celebrate. It was a rough day. We didn't do much of anything that day, just laid around. Another day we had to get through was the first anniversary of his death and that was a tough one too. Although they were both bad, I think his birthday was the hardest.
     In my last post I talked about how I had just put in the application for college. Well I started and I'm now done with my first semester. I LOVE college!! I've wanted to go to college for awhile now, and I'm in love with it. My first semester I took a remedial math and english class, along with a pyschology class. They were all fairly easy, not what I would call challenging. I made two B's and one A. I could have easily made higher grades than these if I had put more into it. The remedial classes were like a review, so I found them quite boring. I am registered for the next semester and am going full time. I will be taking general pyschology, intro to anatomy and pyhsiology, medical terms, and speech. I'm really excited to get started on these because these are important prereqs. for me to get into the nursing program. I think my last post says LVN, but I have decided that the associates RN degree is a better choice for me.
     Matt has started a new job, which pays a lot better and works less. He seems to really enjoy his job, which is something I have never seen, haha. I'm glad that he has finally found a job that he is happy with. I had quit my job in October. I had quit so that I could focus more of my time on school, which definitely paid off. I am now working only a day and a half back at the same company.
     Christmas is almost here and I actually feel a little bit of the spirit. This year we actually plan on spending the holidays with family unlike last year. Its December 11th and we still haven't gotten a tree yet, lol. I'm a little stressed out at this point because we have only shopped for 5 people!! We are on the countdown and theres only 14 days!! 13 days for the family we'll be seeing on christmas eve!!! Then after that Jacks 3rd birthday! While I love this time of year, I'm so ready for it to be over.
     Speaking of Jacks third birthday, I'm really dreading it. After all the things we've been through the past for years, I'm really nervous about Jack turning 3. When Jack was in the PICU at Scott & White, the doctors found all of his heart problems. Well one issue was medicated and taken care of. They told us at the age of three, they wanted to do an evaluation of the hole in his heart. They told us that there was a chance that the hold may close up on its own. It still scares the hell out of me. After seeing Stetson going through so many surgeries involving his heart, it terrifies me what could happen to Jack.
     Now that we are living in a place thats bigger than 200sqft. I'm hoping to keep this blog updated more.

Woah! Slow down!!

2010-01-15T08:29:00.000-08:00

My boys are definitely not babies anymore.=( Zack has been telling me almost everyday that he needs to go to school. REALLY?! I can't believe he's so eager to start. I been looking around at preschools for him to start this August. I just can't believe that we are already at this point with him. I remember when we first found out I was pregnant with him, the pregnancy, the birth, the everything. Jack is growing up just as fast. He hardly has daytime potty accidents. (Well I'm ready for that part, lol) He says new words everyday. Their both like half my height lol. It almost seems like they transformed over night. They fight all the time. I remember the times where Zack was so loving to Jack. I remember both of them being loving to Stetson. Maybe theres a secret age where they know they can start the whole sibling rivalry.

I officially put my application in to go to college. It's only a junior college, but I don't care for the only university thats here. If I'm accepted into the program, I will be going for my pre-lvn cert. I'm really excited, but don't want to get my hopes up. Its not easy getting into nursing school since there is limited space. The college has professors come from othe universities so you don't have to transfer out. I kind of like that idea, but I might transfer our anyways. Before I had the boys I had my heart set out on UT. Now I'm interested in TCU. I like the programs it offers, its campus, its location, and where it does clinicals. Like I said though, it's really hard to get in, but thats not going to stop me from trying.

Well...

2010-01-13T11:15:00.000-08:00

The dentist was able to move Zack's appointment up. We were able to get everything done this past Monday. Everything went great. It took only about 45 minutes to do it all. He was cranky for a few hours afterwards. They gave him two popsicles so he wasn't too upset. When we left we went to McD's and got him a chocolate shake. By the time we got home, he was back to his normal self.

Potty training gets better by the day. We are still putting Jack in diapers and now he takes it off to go peepee and poopoo now. Hopefully not much longer we will be able to wear underwear and not have to buy diapers!!!! I'm excited about not having to buy diapers anymore.

Well it's been almost 6 months since Stetson passed and we still haven't received his death certificates. I called the Vital Statistics and they say the funeral home should have it! WTF!! The funeral home hasn't called us about it. At this point we're furious with the funeral home. I wished we have chose a different one. The director is the most insensitive you know what. We chose him because thats who Matt's family has used before. I be damned if I ever use them again. Anyways...I can't believe its been almost 6 months. His birthday is less than 6 months away. I know its going to be a very hard day for us. We'll make it through. We're still trying to adjust. I know I can't always be sad, but sometimes it seems wrong to be happy because he's not here. I miss him.

Updating...Again

2010-01-10T09:37:00.000-08:00

We had to put our computer in the shop because some how the screen got busted. Thank goodness we bought the warranty because it would have been close to $300. Anyways a few things happened during this time. Our friends from Abilene came to visit. It was great for me. For one, I have only went to see one friend since we have been back in Waco. It was nice to catch up also without spending hours on the phone. Thankfully we have the same service provider because our phone bills would be through the roof, lol. When they were here, they brought their daughters. Their youngest daughter was 7 weeks when they were here. Thats the age Stetson was when he was initially hospitalized. I thought it would be hard on me. Well we all thought it would be. My friend told me she was a little anxious about I would do. I think I did great. I didn't even cry. Came close but didn't. I think I held her more than anyone else did that weekend. I think my friend enjoyed the break though. It wasn't the same as holding one of my own, but it was still a great feeling. Jack's 2nd birthday fell on this weekend. It was good and very low key. I made dinner and then we had an ice cream cake that I made. I got him books. He has been really interested in books lately, so I want to help keep him interested. He seems to really like the Dr. Suess books. I think I previously mentioned The Foot Book. Sometimes I want to throw that book out the window. I don't even have to look at the book to read it anymore.

Potty training is going ok. Zachary has it down besides overnight. He can take naps without accidents but he can't make it through the night. Jack usually has 2-3 accidents a day. I think that he just gets so busy doing other things that he forgets. He has made it through one nap without an accident. I'm hoping in the next few months we will be diaper free. That will be a strange feeling since we have been buy diapers since Zachary was born, so almost four years.

We took the boys to the dentist. Jacks teeth were good and so he only got a cleaning. Zachary wasn't so fortunate. They did x-rays and decided that he had four abcess teeth. They gave us a prescription and a referral to a pediatric dentist. Well they gave us three different ones. A few days ago we took him to Georgetown to see the pedi. dentist. I really like this dentist. His office just had a great atmosphere and the boys seemed to be really comfortable with him. They did more x-rays and he decided that Zack needed work on 12 of his teeth. He has to get four pulpotomies which are like root canals. He will be getting crowns for those. The rest need sealants.They were able to schedule us only 3 weeks out. He will do everything in his office with general anesthia. Hopefully be the end of the month Zacks teeth will be good to go. Since Zacks teeth are so bad we have decided to make Jack drink out of regular cups instead of sippys.

Holidays

2009-12-26T18:06:00.000-08:00

Well the holidays weren't the best, but I didn't expect them to be. Right after I woke up I felt depressed. Within minutes I was crying because I knew that there should be more of us to celebrate the holidays. Throughout the day I had break downs, but I also had lots of laughs. We stayed in Waco this year. It was very low key for us since we weren't really in the spirit this year. The kids enjoyed it. Jack will be two in a week. I can't believe he's turning into a "big boy". His favorite book right now is "The Foot Book" by Dr. Suess. I have read it about 20 times today, lol. Really not a whole lot is going on at the moment. I don't know if I've mentioned about Matt's job. The company that fired him asked to rehire, but Matt turned it down. It's official that we will be in Waco for awhile. Our laptop is having to be repaired so I'm not going to be able to update as often or post pictures.

Updating

2009-12-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't been on here in awhile so I'm going to catch up on things. The last few weeks have been hectic, but thats how it always is around holidays. Thanksgiving was good but we just spent it with ourselves. Matt was offered his old job back with a paycut and demotion. We decided that he wouldn't go back. Financially it was a tough decision. The pay would have been double of what he's making now, but we feel like this is the right thing to do. The plus side to it is when one of their houses become empty we get to move into it and have free housing.

I think I may have already posted about this, but oh well you get to read it again. I have decided to do nursing for a career. My dream job would be in Pediatrics, prefably the NICU or PICU. I found out that in our area the local colleges only offer an associates degree for RNs. The college that does, we could never be able to afford. So I'm going to take baby steps. I'm planning on getting my CNA here soon. Not a big step, but a tiny one that will get me into the medical field. I think I want to keep going from stepping stone to stepping stone until I get to where I want. I'm getting antsy about going to work. I really feel like this is what I'm suppose to do.

The kids have been doing good. They are growing like weeds. Jack will be two in only 15 days!!! I remember having him, his hospital stay, his er trips, his first clap, everything, like it was yesterday. He talks now and is about halfway potty trained. My baby isn't a baby anymore. He's a big boy.
Zachary is talking like crazy and drives me crazy some days asking questions constantly. In five months he'll be four.Old enough to start pre-k.

Here lately I have been having many bad days and lots of nights where I don't fall asleep.I miss Stetson a lot. I dream about him a lot and I just wish that I could hold him again.

Is anything good going to happen??

2009-11-22T23:29:00.000-08:00

My husbands step brother needed an atv and so we let him take over our payments on our Honda. Secretly I'm thrilled about this. It was a fun toy, but it was just a toy. A toy, that Matts job, was eventually going to pay for. Thats the reason why we bought it in the first place. A few days ago we went back to Ft. Worth to get it and take it to Matt's brother. Well we don't have tags for the trailer. We got pulled over and Matt got two tickets. One for the tags and one because his mother didn't have updated insurance cards in her pick up. It wasn't a good night. We didn't get back home until 6am. I think we were all asleep before we hit our pillows.

Just a little while ago, I found out that one of my old good friend's brother died in a motorcycle accident. I'm still in shock over it. I didn't know him real well, but I did meet him a few times. I just can't believe it. I have been pretty fortunate to not have anyone real close to me die until this year. Now it feels like its all coming at once. Its hard to understand death. Its hard to live with the emptiness that was once filled with so much love, happiness, and life. It feels like a part of you dies.

Mom look what I found!!

2009-11-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

Matt got fired last Wednesday, I think it was. Before he left his direct boss asked him if he was willing to come back and he tired to rehire him. WTH? Matt told him it depends on how he feels that day. I told him not to go back to that company. Matt put in 6 applications and has four companies to call. He has already gotten a call from a company in Houston and talked to another guy who said he could probably be hired on the spot. Matt has decided to work for the farmer in Waco for the next week or two. I think he just wants a break. He's not going to jump on the first job that comes his way either. He wants to think them through. I'm not crazy about any of the locations of the companies, but he would be traveling where the work is so it doesn't really matter.

Zachary has gotten into the stage where he brings us "gifts". Everydau he comes from outside with a rock, stick, or leaves and puts them in ziploc bags and tells us that it's for us. Well today Zack went with Matt. Matt sent me a picture of Zachary holding a frog and the caption read: "Zack came to me and said I got a frog". I was really suprised by this since he is scared of bugs and such. He is a boy so I better get use to the grossness.

Jack is going to be 2 in a month and a half. I can't believe it. I remember all the things we went through in his first yr of life. He is such the opposite of Zack. He is so rough and tough, but I blame it on him being hospitalized and almost dying. They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I honestly believe it in Jack's case.

Not fired yet...

2009-11-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

Matt hasn't been completely fired. Matts manager went above his boss to the owner of the company to talk about Matt's job. The owner told Matts boss which is Shane that if they can come up with the connection of all the places Matt has worked and where he got gas he could keep his job. Honestly this is b.s. because Matt hasn't used his fuel card for personal use. Matt is going to go ahead and try to not get fired, especially since he's never been fired from a job. He has put an application into 6 companies and was referred to two more by inspectors. Today he had to show his replacement what to do at the job. He told the chief inspectors what was going on and he was so mad. He asked Matt for his supervisors phone number so that he could talk to them. Honestly it's a bad time because we are still behind on some things, but I think it will be a blessing for Matt to get away from this company. Last time I talked to Matt he was on his way back to Abilene. He should be here some time tomorrow. Oh I can't wait, lol!! It's been a month since we seen him last. That alone should tell the managers that he isn't using it for personal use or he would have already been up here. Oh well...I just hope Matt will get hired through one of these other companies, even if it means moving to end of the country to the other.

What a day!

2009-11-09T21:11:00.000-08:00

Today started off ok. Cleaned and cooked all morning. Nothing really going wrong. Matt called me and told me that he has went down a pant size, lol. He's self-conscientous about his weight and so this was making him feel good today. Well the day goes by ok. I tried to make cookies but somehow turned into more of a cross between a fudge and brittle, lol. Don't ask how, it just did. Anyways Matt calls me this afternoon with the bad news. He tells me he'll be home soon. I was thinking ok the job ended earlier. WRONG! He's been fired!! He's being fired over last month's fuel bill. It was only $1300! Ok I know this sounds like a lot but he was driving to Synder, Mineral Wells, and down by Laredo. Well no shit, the bill is going to be higher than the guys working around the shop. Well one of the bigger bosses doesn't like Matt and has been trying to find a reason to fire him forever. Well, he finally got his way. I'm way stressed over this, but I think in the long run it's for the best. Matt has been having to work with alcholics and drugatics this whole time. He has had assistants walk off in the middle of a job and end up in jail. This business is a joke. I have put Matt's resume into four jobs so hopefully something will come up and soon, too. I've been wanting Matt to change jobs for awhile now because of all the crap thats involved with this job. It's so bad that Matt has caught two guys smoking weed at the jobsite!! Man Matt was furious that night. This job has gotten us to get things but honestly I rather be broke and hardly have anything at all than to deal with this. The jobs I sent Matts resume to are the same type of work he's doing now. Bad thing is that they are in different states. It looks like we'll be back on the road again.

My thoughts about 2009

2009-11-05T20:36:00.000-08:00

I hate 2009!!

I hate this year with a passion. In February a tree limb fell through our travel trailer during an ice storm. I should have taken that as a sign. This year a family friend has died. My mother in law's step mother died. Our dog died. My mother in law's dog died. Matt's hours got cut back. Stetson got sick and died. My mother in law had another dog die. Now a fellowe member from Cafemom has lost her mother to the Ft. Hood shootings today. WTF?? Why is so many bad things happening this year? It's not fucking fair that there has been so much death. I'm tired of hearing of someone dying every week. Many celebrities have even died this year. A little girl name Brooke lost her life to cancer. A woman died from cancer before I could send her my wigs. A woman lost her husband after he had been deployed. He died in a damned motorcycle accident. I'm tired of seeing all this. I will never forget this horrible year. I hate this year!!!!

I never thought...

2009-11-03T22:40:00.000-08:00

I never thought when I met Matt 4 and a half years ago we would be here. I never thought 4 years ago we would be finding out that I was pregnant with Zachary. Here today, Zachary will be 4 in May. He will be starting preschool next year if we decide to do it. I never thought that just under two years ago we would be only two months away from having our second son. Jack will be two in just two more months. I never thought that on his 2 week check up we would be sent to the hospital. I never thought he would quit breathing. I never thought I would look at my son and think my child has died. I never thought he would have gotten so sick. I never thought he would be as healthy as he is today. I never thought that a year ago, on October 10, 2008, I would find out that we were expecting our third child. At this point, I was about to quit babysitting the 7 yr old boy little James and 18 month old Bryan. At this point I was getting really excited about out upcoming vacation. I never thought that my Matt would deliver our son. I never thought life could be so perfect. I never thought Stetson would get so sick in the middle of July. I never thought we would have to make the decision of taking our son off of life support. I never thought any of our kids would pass away before us. I never thought I would be where I am today. I never thought I would be doing the unbelieveable I remember having my life planned out so perfectly and now I don't know anything. I don't even think about tomorrow anymore. I remember when I thought life was absolutely perfect and it couldn't be better. I have heard the question, if you could see into your future, would you? My answer is hell no! While I have had amazing moments in my life, I wouldn't have wanted to see all the things that have happened over these few short years twice. I honestly don't want to know whats ahead of me. Maybe it's because I'm scared to see that there might be more horrible things coming my way.

Not a whole lot of things have been going on here the last few days. I haven't felt the greatest. I think its exhaustion and stress building up. I think a part of its from missing Stetson. I can't think about him and eat at the same time. I lose my appetite when I think of him. I'm really stressed about the bills. We are behind on most of them. People that are close to me know that I don't even like being one minute late on bills or anything for that matter. I can't wait to get back on our feet again. It's definitely time to get serious about saving money back.

Jacks potty training is going pretty good. He has a couple accidents a day. It's usually when he's outside playing and doesn't want to come in to go potty, lol. I think overall, he's doing well. He has also not had a very good day here lately. Out of nowhere we have bees. The past two days he has gotten stung twice. Today we found the nest so hopefully they will go away. I still can't believe he's almost 2 already. It doesn't seem like it's been almost two years since he was born. I still remember the day we found out I was pregnant with him. It was horrible timing, but thats normal for us, lol. He's now one of our miracles.

Stetson right before we took him off of life support.Zachary with Little James.

Bryan, the little boy I was babysitting.Jack right after birth.

Jack in the PICU.

Maternity photos when I was pregnant with Jack.

Me at full term with Stetson.

Stetson in the PICU.

One of my favorites of Stetson.

Not as bad as I thought it'd be

2009-10-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

Halloween was officially our first holiday without Stetson. It was a lot better then I thought it would turn out. Matt is out of town working so that made it a little harder. I got the boys dressed up and we went to the Burleson Boo Bash. It was fun, but I didn't know anyone there and I was by myself with the kids. It was a mess too, lol. Everyone was suppose to be in a one way line getting candy and other treats. We started out the wrong way, but half the people there did, lol. We get to the start of the right line and we stand over 30 minutes before we got up to where they were giving out candy.The thing that was holding the line up so much was the balloon animals. I decided to skip it since the boys were getting restless. They got enough candy in my opinion. I had a reminder that Stetson wasn't with us though. A woman had a baby in front of us that was 5 months old. Stetson would 5 months on the 5th. It didn't get me down really, just made me miss him a little more. One holiday down and many more to go...

Zachary

Jackson

The three of us

Proud of Jack

2009-10-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today didn't start off too well. I didn't go to skeep till about 5am this morning. I was missing Stetson terribly. I cried for hours until I finally fell asleep. I woke up around 8ish with our boys. I was so exhausted for the first part of the day, that I felt sick. I was sick to my stomach, getting light headed, and couldn't keep my eyes open. By around noon I was feeling a lot better and normal again.

I'm really proud of Jack. We recently fully potty trained Zachary. This morning Jack kept on taking his diaper off so I left it off and put big boy underwear on him. He had only one accident!! I'm so proud of him. He went to the potty every other time. Hopefully this time next month or so we won't have anymore kids in diapers. I can't believe he did so well. I guess we will be doing day potty training from here on out. He is also starting to talk more. There for awhile all he would say was dog. Now he says so much more. My favorite is thank you. I'm also proud of Zachary. He said elephant today. To me it's kind of a difficult word for kids to say, but he said after seeing a circus ad.

As the upcoming holidays get closer the more depressing they seem. Halloween will be our first holiday without Stetson. Halloween isn't at the top of my favorite holiday list, but its a holiday that greatly involves kids. Christmas is the holiday I'm scared of the most. I'm afraid I"ll be depress-like. I really don't want our boys seeing me that way. I know I can't live in mourning forever, but its only been a little over two months since he left. Thanksgiving will make three months and Christmas will make only four months. I just hope that I will have the strength to get through the holiday season and maybe even enjoy it a little.

Can I run away??

2009-10-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

Today has not been great. About 20 minutes after we woke up today it went from perfectly sunny to cloudy and cold. Its been one of those days where everything goes wrong. The boys have gotten to where they hardly listen to me at all. I feel like I have tried everything. Maybe they are sensing my stress and acting out towards it. I'm ready to be back on our feet. I miss Matt. I have 2.5 more weeks before we get to see him again. I try not to complain because we need the money and there are women that have to deal with the loss of a husband or have to deal with deployments. I have a friend whose husband is overseas in the war. Her baby was only about 3 months old when her husband was deployed. He doesn't get to come home until May. I don't see how she does it. I feel like ungrateful for complaining when I read her FB status and it says how much she misses him. I should be grateful for the fact that this is only a short time. A woman on Cafemom recently lost her husband to a horrific motorcycle accident. I don't think I could handle that. Losing Stetson was hard, but we didn't have him for 5 years like I have had with Matt. It doesn't make any less painful, but I know he's better off. I'm suppose to live the rest of my life with my husband. If I lose him, I lose myself. I wish life was perfect like it was before Stetson was sick. Everything was absolutely great and it only took a few weeks for it to go to hell.

Major update!!!

2009-10-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

So many things have happened lately. We welcomed our third son to the world on June 5, 2009. I started getting crampy around 8:00am-8:30am. I waited for a few contractions to call my midwife. So around 9am I called Belinda. Well my water broke around 10:30 am or so. When my body started pushing I called my Matt upstairs. I told him the baby was coming and within a few minutes my husband announced that we had another boy. Midwife called a few minutes later to tell us she was almost there. Everything went so perfectly. I let Matt name him. He was named Stetson Wyatt. I wasn't crazy about Stetson, but hey I told him to pick out the name.

We moved back to Texas when Stetson was 9 days old. It was not a fun move at all. We're staying with Matt's parents until we can get back on our feet. We had some major setbacks over the past few months.

At the end of July, Stetson became ill. I took him to the dr. and he told me it was just a cold and to just suction him. I did just that and he progressively got worse. We took him to Cooks where he was correctly diagnosed. www.caringbridge.org/visit/stetson has the details. He grew his angel wings on August 22, 2009. Life has been turned upside down for our family. Things will never be the same. Its hard to think about all the things our baby should be doing. We were fortunate enough to see his first smiles and laughs. I think about him everyday. I would do anything just to be able to hold him again, but I know its impossible. I miss him so much.

First posting

2009-03-21T15:29:00.000-07:00

Well this is my first post so I will just give background. I am a young mommy of two boys and another suprise baby on the way. My kids are all close in age. My oldest will turn 3 in a couple of months and my younger son is 14 months old.Our next child is due in about 11 weeks. My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We are from Texas, but have moved to Arkansas because of my husbands job.We are in the process of him starting his own company. My day to day life can be hectic and sometimes it can be boring.Our younger son has had many medical issues which keeps me busy some days.This is about all I can think of right now.