;(

The last few days I've been having some pretty crazy dreams that are really realistic. Two nights ago I had a really vivid dream about someone breaking into the house. It freaked me out enough to think about getting a dog. It really got to me, but last night my dreams were worse. I will start with the happier dream. I had a dream that we had two girls. They were either twins or really close in age. That scares the crap out of me!! I really don't want twins. I don't think I could handle it and I don't want kids THAT close in ages. Hopefully it was just a crazy dream that means nothing. My second dream, however, really got to me. We have a friend who's husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was told that he had about a year. Well my other dream last night was of him dying. For me it was really disturbing because it seemed so real. About midmorning this morning I was told her husband passed away. I couldn't believe it. It gave me the chills for almost a hour. Just thinking about it now gives me the chills. I can't remember ever having a dream like that and it being somewhat true. I feel so bad for her and her family. Life is so unfair. This all brings back memories of Stetson. Some friends and I are trying to come up with ways to help her out. All I can think about is how I was when Stetson died. I pretty much closed myself off from the world. All I remember is sleeping the time away. That's all I wanted to do. I look at pictures where I'm smiling and I know they were fake. I can't even remember the holidays during that year. Everything is just blank. I think of my friend and try to imagine how I would be if I lost Matt. I don't know what I would do. I hope she finds some comfort in her family and friends.

:'( rough day

Jack likes someone to sing to him when he's going to sleep. Usually it's no problem, but today it only reminded me of Stetson. We used the Brahms lullaby to put with Stetsons remains in the build a bear. I only knew a little part of the lyrics so I went to look them up. It kinda fits Stetson and made me get teary eyed. I miss him and wonder what he would be like today. I wonder how things would be different now. I started school because of him. We have all changed so much because of his death. Matt and I are planning to have another in a little less than two years from now. I'm excited, but so so scared. I'm afraid of losing another and not being able to make it. We have had miscarriages, but nothing compares to the loss of a child that you got to bond with, to hold, to love. I've become this paranoid person with the other boys too. I'm always worried about the what ifs. I wonder if it will go away and I will be able to relax. I just want to be able to be who I was before Jack even got sick. I used to never flip out over a cough, a sneeze, a stumble, etc. I don't think it will happen. I just have to adjust and try to relax as much as I can, especially when we will be expecting.