Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Blah, Blah, Blah

This is how I've been feeling all day. I sit here wishing life could be the way it used to feel. Perfect! Since those few months life feels like it will never compare to back then. I feel like I desperately try to get back to that way daily. I know deep down that it won't ever be the same, but I would like to feel that I can at least get close to feeling that way again. I can't complain though. I have good things going for me. I have a great husband even if I don't always appreciate him. I have amazing kids that love me no matter what and keep my life interesting. I'm in college doing what I've always dreamed of doing. The absence of him makes everything not seem as great as it should. I wish I could go back in time and make that one choice that could change this whole present. I had a bad feeling...why did I ignore it??!!

This time two years ago was so scary. We had hoped for the best even though things were looking so bad. It was so hard to get through. I didn't want to eat. All I wanted to do was sleep and hope that it had all been a nightmare. Now two years later and it still feels the same. I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare and I just want to wake up. How can so much time pass and feel like it happened yesterday? Why does the one day in my life I want to forget have to be the very first day of school for Zachary?! A day that I'll want to remember forever. I feel like I'm being constantly tested. Why can't life just be easy for just a day?