;(

The last few days I've been having some pretty crazy dreams that are really realistic. Two nights ago I had a really vivid dream about someone breaking into the house. It freaked me out enough to think about getting a dog. It really got to me, but last night my dreams were worse. I will start with the happier dream. I had a dream that we had two girls. They were either twins or really close in age. That scares the crap out of me!! I really don't want twins. I don't think I could handle it and I don't want kids THAT close in ages. Hopefully it was just a crazy dream that means nothing. My second dream, however, really got to me. We have a friend who's husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He was told that he had about a year. Well my other dream last night was of him dying. For me it was really disturbing because it seemed so real. About midmorning this morning I was told her husband passed away. I couldn't believe it. It gave me the chills for almost a hour. Just thinking about it now gives me the chills. I can't remember ever having a dream like that and it being somewhat true. I feel so bad for her and her family. Life is so unfair. This all brings back memories of Stetson. Some friends and I are trying to come up with ways to help her out. All I can think about is how I was when Stetson died. I pretty much closed myself off from the world. All I remember is sleeping the time away. That's all I wanted to do. I look at pictures where I'm smiling and I know they were fake. I can't even remember the holidays during that year. Everything is just blank. I think of my friend and try to imagine how I would be if I lost Matt. I don't know what I would do. I hope she finds some comfort in her family and friends.

OMFG!!

I'M PREGNANT!!!

I found out two days ago. I honestly didn't expect since we had been trying for so long with no luck! I'm super exicted and scared!! I'm 5 weeks today and I've been known to miscarriage up to the 6th week :( Once I'm 7 weeks I'll breathe a little easier. Since Stetson got sick and died I've become this person who worries about everything. I was going to avoid an ultrasound, but now I want to have one just to make sure everything is good and if not, be able to prepare for whatever. Even though I'm worried about the what ifs, I'm sooooo excited!!! I can't wait to feel the baby move and to give birth. To be able to hold him or her, to take a million pictures. I miss everything that comes with a newborn. I haven't gotten to fully enjoy a baby since Zachary. Jack and Stetson were hospitalized within weeks of being born. I just can't wait to get into the 2nd semester. I'm going to savor every bit of this.

This is my motivation!!

This semester has been a struggle for me since the begining. I can't say why because I have no idea why. A few years ago I joined a play group when Zach was about a year and half and Jack was only a couple of months old and left it a few months after. I went through the message board all the way from the begining. Then I saw that they had posted about Stetson passing away. I knew a lot of people had been praying and whatnot, but for some reason it hit me. All those days at the hospital seem like a blur and I can't tell you who called or left a message saying they we're thinking of us. Now, looking back it's overwhelming. I'm very thankful for everyone's thoughts and prayers. Anyways, to get back to the point, I know why I'm in school. Looking at the messages and the pictures, I have found my motivation. He's the reason why I'm in school. He will be the reason why I'll one day make a difference in a child's life. I will not give up on this don't matter what life throws at me. I'm doing this for him, myself, and for all the people that I'll help.

Life...

Only 3 more months before we move!!!!! I'm getting sooo excited! I love my friends here in Waco and will miss them. BUT, I can't wait to leave this place! Starting in November I'll be actively packing. The last few weeks here are going to be minimial. Just enough to get Zachary through school.

Speaking of school, Zachary is doing great! He still loves it! I'm glad he does, because I know it won't last. However, I can't say this semester is going great. I'm making A's in all my classes, but I have absolutely no motivation. I think maybe I have too much going on. At least thats what I'm hoping. I have submitted an application to Tarrant Community College. I should know something soon. I don't see why I wouldn't get accepted. I have also started apps for UTA and Tarleton. I'm not sure if I'd be able to get into those. Maybe if I took the SAT or ACT?? MCC will be one of the things I'll miss about here.

My truck....is finally getting fixed. It quit on us going down the highway. My truck started smoking and it said to find a place to safely stop and then it died. Talk about being pissed!! It has only 43,000 miles on it and it freaking quit!! We had to have it towed to the Ford dealership. For weeks we have been fighting with them to fix it. We bought it brand new with the extended warranty which was $3500 extra. Ford kept telling us that they weren't going to fix it. I don't fucking think so! Today they tell us that Ford has authorized for them to fix it under the warranty. Damn right you are. Anyways, I'm excited about this so now I can trade it in for a car!!! I've been wanting something with way better fuel mileage and something thats easy to get around in the city. Can't wait for my pos to get repaired, lol.

Matt was also told that he may have a job back in doing industrial x-ray. We're hoping he gets it for various reasons. He'll be getting to sleep somewhat normal hours instead of a couple here and there. We could visit him on the weekends and breaks. We would be bringing in a whole lot more money. He can advance in this job field. Only thing is that he won't hardly have time off :/ but we could still visit him.

Overall, I think life is slowly getting back to that point of being perfect. I know it won't ever be perfect because Stetson isn't here with us, but I think we can get close to it. I miss that perfect feeling. I feel like I'm always chasing that feeling and sometimes it feels like it's just a few feet away.

Blah, Blah, Blah

This is how I've been feeling all day. I sit here wishing life could be the way it used to feel. Perfect! Since those few months life feels like it will never compare to back then. I feel like I desperately try to get back to that way daily. I know deep down that it won't ever be the same, but I would like to feel that I can at least get close to feeling that way again. I can't complain though. I have good things going for me. I have a great husband even if I don't always appreciate him. I have amazing kids that love me no matter what and keep my life interesting. I'm in college doing what I've always dreamed of doing. The absence of him makes everything not seem as great as it should. I wish I could go back in time and make that one choice that could change this whole present. I had a bad feeling...why did I ignore it??!!

This time two years ago was so scary. We had hoped for the best even though things were looking so bad. It was so hard to get through. I didn't want to eat. All I wanted to do was sleep and hope that it had all been a nightmare. Now two years later and it still feels the same. I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare and I just want to wake up. How can so much time pass and feel like it happened yesterday? Why does the one day in my life I want to forget have to be the very first day of school for Zachary?! A day that I'll want to remember forever. I feel like I'm being constantly tested. Why can't life just be easy for just a day?

Here lately I've been feeling so....

lost. My feelings are all over the place. I can't remember if I previously blogged about Matts incident last year. Matt got into an altercation with my brother which led to probation. Well Matt got fired yesterday. His boss claimed that he had never called into work to see if anything was going on. Matt had called a few times, but his boss never answered. Matt didn't even try to fight for his job. He could have shown his boss from his phone where he had tried to call, but instead he just said ok!!!! Since he's on probation nobody wants to hire him!! I'm so stressed!!!! I've been looking for jobs so that I can help out, but I'm being a little picky because I'm going to be going to school full time. All of this stress has led to other feelings. A part of me is telling me that this is a chance to do something else relationship wise. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and deeply care about him, but I'm at my breaking point. We've been through a lot together and I really, really hate to give up at this point. I feel like my love slips away a little each day. I remember when I used to be crazy about him. I wanted to be with him every waking moment and sleeping one, too, lol. Now, we can't even be around each other longer than a day without fighting. I guess it could just be marriage and not being in that honeymoon stage anymore. I just have so many conflicting feelings right now. At times, I feel like there's more out there for me. This is limited to realtionships. I feel like there is so much more out there for my career and the things I want to accomplish. However, I'm afraid that if I were to make a change like this, it would be the biggest mistake of my life. I have a husband that loves me and does his best to take care of me. He's literally my best friend. Nobody knows me like he does, not even close. I'm afraid of losing that to just a feeling of wanting more. But what if I'm just wasting my life away on just a fear? I'm just so lost. I wish I could see into the future to see what choice would be the best for me, my children, my whole family. I seriously don't know what to do.

Confused

Confused is the only thing I could think of that was relevant to how I feel. Today I almost feel angry. I feel angry because I should have a son thats almost 2 and I should be 7 months pregnant. However, I don't have either one. I try to make sense of why these things are not here, but today I don't want to reason.

I feel like a child who has lost their innocence prematurely. My life will never be like it once was. I worried about the smallest things. I'm always thinking what if. I'm tired of it. I just want to let the fear go, but it clings to me. I try to do things to improve my life everyday, but theres always something pulling me back, bringing me down. Its an uphill battle and I'm wondering when I will reach the top of the mountain.

Today, I am also missing Arkansas. I can't really pinpoint why. I don't know if its because my favorite memory of Stetson was made there or if I actually miss the area. Maybe i just want that "innocence" back. I honestly don't like Waco. I know its because I have bad memories here. I feel like nothing is here for me. I can't wait to finish school so I can leave. If you look at Waco objectively, its really not a bad town. Its not too big or small. Lots of family things to do. I just can't see Waco as others see it. I think I miss Arkansas because it was somewwhere new. It has some qualities of Texas but it was different. I think today I am just yearning of something that once was that i can never have back. =/

Things are looking up...

So far February has been awesome! Well minus all the sickness. I think we may have had the flu. Anyways school has really taken off. I'm kind of suprised how tough my speech class is. I thought it would be easy, but boy was I wrong. Also this month Glees new season started lol. Ok people who know me really well know that i'm not big on tv. However, here lately I watch a lot of tv at night and mainly just fox. Glee has become one of my favorites. This month i'll be turning 22. Nothing too spectacular. I don't have anything planned and I will not be drinking-i'll explain why. This month we have finally gotten financially stable. I have saved the best for last;) We have decided to start trying for baby #4!!!!! I'm so effin excited!!! Wednesday I should be getting my opks and pt tests! The only thing is that if I get pregnant this cycle my due date will fall on the day that Matts dad died. When I told him this he wasn't too thrilled, but chances are I wouldn't deliver on that day. Although Zachary came naturally on his due date.

School!!

School is going great and even better than last semester. This semester should definitely be more challenging for me. I'm going full time and taking all my classes online this semester. I had a small doubt about how disciplined I would be at getting my assignments done. So far the I'm at the second week in and I'm doing great!!! I'm very proud of myself so far. I think I'll continue to do great because I'm so highly motivated to do this. I've had 3 assignments in my general psychology class and my average is at a 100! It would be awesome if I could keep it that way. I had a quiz for my speech class and missed only two problems. I'm going to be challenged in speech. I have to make videos of myself and post them to youtube for a grade, lol. I was able to make an account on youtube, now just to be able to upload the videos will be the tricky part,lol. Medical Terminology is way easy. We do a chapter each week and have a quiz every Friday. Very simple and easy for me to get ahead. My a&p class is pretty much a repeat of my science classes in high school. However, I been out of high school for four years so when we are doing two chapters a week and another chapter, then a test, it has kind of become overwhelming. I'm just going to take it step by step. Its just a huge review and a few things are new also, but not a whole lot. Overall I know a lot of people doubted me, which made me doubt myself. So far I can say that I proved these people wrong. I don't think ANYONE knows just how bad I want this. I tell people, but they just give me that look, like they expect me to not follow through. I used to be pretty motivated by things that I was passionate about, but lost it somewhere on the way. After everything that I have been through in the past years, has returned my motivation. Even after the pain of losing a child, I can now say that I absolutely love where my life is at and even more, the direction its taking. =)

:'( rough day

Jack likes someone to sing to him when he's going to sleep. Usually it's no problem, but today it only reminded me of Stetson. We used the Brahms lullaby to put with Stetsons remains in the build a bear. I only knew a little part of the lyrics so I went to look them up. It kinda fits Stetson and made me get teary eyed. I miss him and wonder what he would be like today. I wonder how things would be different now. I started school because of him. We have all changed so much because of his death. Matt and I are planning to have another in a little less than two years from now. I'm excited, but so so scared. I'm afraid of losing another and not being able to make it. We have had miscarriages, but nothing compares to the loss of a child that you got to bond with, to hold, to love. I've become this paranoid person with the other boys too. I'm always worried about the what ifs. I wonder if it will go away and I will be able to relax. I just want to be able to be who I was before Jack even got sick. I used to never flip out over a cough, a sneeze, a stumble, etc. I don't think it will happen. I just have to adjust and try to relax as much as I can, especially when we will be expecting.