OMFG!!

I'M PREGNANT!!!

I found out two days ago. I honestly didn't expect since we had been trying for so long with no luck! I'm super exicted and scared!! I'm 5 weeks today and I've been known to miscarriage up to the 6th week :( Once I'm 7 weeks I'll breathe a little easier. Since Stetson got sick and died I've become this person who worries about everything. I was going to avoid an ultrasound, but now I want to have one just to make sure everything is good and if not, be able to prepare for whatever. Even though I'm worried about the what ifs, I'm sooooo excited!!! I can't wait to feel the baby move and to give birth. To be able to hold him or her, to take a million pictures. I miss everything that comes with a newborn. I haven't gotten to fully enjoy a baby since Zachary. Jack and Stetson were hospitalized within weeks of being born. I just can't wait to get into the 2nd semester. I'm going to savor every bit of this.

Life...

Only 3 more months before we move!!!!! I'm getting sooo excited! I love my friends here in Waco and will miss them. BUT, I can't wait to leave this place! Starting in November I'll be actively packing. The last few weeks here are going to be minimial. Just enough to get Zachary through school.

Speaking of school, Zachary is doing great! He still loves it! I'm glad he does, because I know it won't last. However, I can't say this semester is going great. I'm making A's in all my classes, but I have absolutely no motivation. I think maybe I have too much going on. At least thats what I'm hoping. I have submitted an application to Tarrant Community College. I should know something soon. I don't see why I wouldn't get accepted. I have also started apps for UTA and Tarleton. I'm not sure if I'd be able to get into those. Maybe if I took the SAT or ACT?? MCC will be one of the things I'll miss about here.

My truck....is finally getting fixed. It quit on us going down the highway. My truck started smoking and it said to find a place to safely stop and then it died. Talk about being pissed!! It has only 43,000 miles on it and it freaking quit!! We had to have it towed to the Ford dealership. For weeks we have been fighting with them to fix it. We bought it brand new with the extended warranty which was $3500 extra. Ford kept telling us that they weren't going to fix it. I don't fucking think so! Today they tell us that Ford has authorized for them to fix it under the warranty. Damn right you are. Anyways, I'm excited about this so now I can trade it in for a car!!! I've been wanting something with way better fuel mileage and something thats easy to get around in the city. Can't wait for my pos to get repaired, lol.

Matt was also told that he may have a job back in doing industrial x-ray. We're hoping he gets it for various reasons. He'll be getting to sleep somewhat normal hours instead of a couple here and there. We could visit him on the weekends and breaks. We would be bringing in a whole lot more money. He can advance in this job field. Only thing is that he won't hardly have time off :/ but we could still visit him.

Overall, I think life is slowly getting back to that point of being perfect. I know it won't ever be perfect because Stetson isn't here with us, but I think we can get close to it. I miss that perfect feeling. I feel like I'm always chasing that feeling and sometimes it feels like it's just a few feet away.

Things are looking up...

So far February has been awesome! Well minus all the sickness. I think we may have had the flu. Anyways school has really taken off. I'm kind of suprised how tough my speech class is. I thought it would be easy, but boy was I wrong. Also this month Glees new season started lol. Ok people who know me really well know that i'm not big on tv. However, here lately I watch a lot of tv at night and mainly just fox. Glee has become one of my favorites. This month i'll be turning 22. Nothing too spectacular. I don't have anything planned and I will not be drinking-i'll explain why. This month we have finally gotten financially stable. I have saved the best for last;) We have decided to start trying for baby #4!!!!! I'm so effin excited!!! Wednesday I should be getting my opks and pt tests! The only thing is that if I get pregnant this cycle my due date will fall on the day that Matts dad died. When I told him this he wasn't too thrilled, but chances are I wouldn't deliver on that day. Although Zachary came naturally on his due date.

I never thought...

I never thought when I met Matt 4 and a half years ago we would be here. I never thought 4 years ago we would be finding out that I was pregnant with Zachary. Here today, Zachary will be 4 in May. He will be starting preschool next year if we decide to do it. I never thought that just under two years ago we would be only two months away from having our second son. Jack will be two in just two more months. I never thought that on his 2 week check up we would be sent to the hospital. I never thought he would quit breathing. I never thought I would look at my son and think my child has died. I never thought he would have gotten so sick. I never thought he would be as healthy as he is today. I never thought that a year ago, on October 10, 2008, I would find out that we were expecting our third child. At this point, I was about to quit babysitting the 7 yr old boy little James and 18 month old Bryan. At this point I was getting really excited about out upcoming vacation. I never thought that my Matt would deliver our son. I never thought life could be so perfect. I never thought Stetson would get so sick in the middle of July. I never thought we would have to make the decision of taking our son off of life support. I never thought any of our kids would pass away before us. I never thought I would be where I am today. I never thought I would be doing the unbelieveable  I remember having my life planned out so perfectly and now I don't know anything. I don't even think about tomorrow anymore. I remember when I thought life was absolutely perfect and it couldn't be better. I have heard the question, if you could see into your future, would you? My answer is hell no! While I have had amazing moments in my life, I wouldn't have wanted to see all the things that have happened over these few short years twice. I honestly don't want to know whats ahead of me. Maybe it's because I'm scared to see that there might be more horrible things coming my way.

Not a whole lot of things have been going on here the last few days. I haven't felt the greatest. I think its exhaustion and stress building up. I think a part of its from missing Stetson. I can't think about him and eat at the same time. I lose my appetite when I think of him. I'm really stressed about the bills. We are behind on most of them. People that are close to me know that I don't even like being one minute late on bills or anything for that matter. I can't wait to get back on our feet again. It's definitely time to get serious about saving money back.

Jacks potty training is going pretty good. He has a couple accidents a day. It's usually when he's outside playing and doesn't want to come in to go potty, lol. I think overall, he's doing well. He has also not had a very good day here lately. Out of nowhere we have bees. The past two days he has gotten stung twice. Today we found the nest so hopefully they will go away. I still can't believe he's almost 2 already. It doesn't seem like it's been almost two years since he was born. I still remember the day we found out I was pregnant with him. It was horrible timing, but thats normal for us, lol. He's now one of our miracles.

Stetson right before we took him off of life support.Zachary with Little James.

Bryan, the little boy I was babysitting.Jack right after birth.

Jack in the PICU.

Maternity photos when I was pregnant with Jack.

Me at full term with Stetson.

Stetson in the PICU.

One of my favorites of Stetson.

Not as bad as I thought it'd be

Halloween was officially our first holiday without Stetson. It was a lot better then I thought it would turn out. Matt is out of town working so that made it a little harder. I got the boys dressed up and we went to the Burleson Boo Bash. It was fun, but I didn't know anyone there and I was by myself with the kids. It was a mess too, lol. Everyone was suppose to be in a one way line getting candy and other treats. We started out the wrong way, but half the people there did, lol. We get to the start of the right line and we stand over 30 minutes before we got up to where they were giving out candy.The thing that was holding the line up so much was the balloon animals. I decided to skip it since the boys were getting restless. They got enough candy in my opinion. I had a reminder that Stetson wasn't with us though. A woman had a baby in front of us that was 5 months old. Stetson would 5 months on the 5th. It didn't get me down really, just made me miss him a little more. One holiday down and many more to go...

Zachary

Jackson

The three of us