OMFG!!

I'M PREGNANT!!!

I found out two days ago. I honestly didn't expect since we had been trying for so long with no luck! I'm super exicted and scared!! I'm 5 weeks today and I've been known to miscarriage up to the 6th week :( Once I'm 7 weeks I'll breathe a little easier. Since Stetson got sick and died I've become this person who worries about everything. I was going to avoid an ultrasound, but now I want to have one just to make sure everything is good and if not, be able to prepare for whatever. Even though I'm worried about the what ifs, I'm sooooo excited!!! I can't wait to feel the baby move and to give birth. To be able to hold him or her, to take a million pictures. I miss everything that comes with a newborn. I haven't gotten to fully enjoy a baby since Zachary. Jack and Stetson were hospitalized within weeks of being born. I just can't wait to get into the 2nd semester. I'm going to savor every bit of this.

This is my motivation!!

This semester has been a struggle for me since the begining. I can't say why because I have no idea why. A few years ago I joined a play group when Zach was about a year and half and Jack was only a couple of months old and left it a few months after. I went through the message board all the way from the begining. Then I saw that they had posted about Stetson passing away. I knew a lot of people had been praying and whatnot, but for some reason it hit me. All those days at the hospital seem like a blur and I can't tell you who called or left a message saying they we're thinking of us. Now, looking back it's overwhelming. I'm very thankful for everyone's thoughts and prayers. Anyways, to get back to the point, I know why I'm in school. Looking at the messages and the pictures, I have found my motivation. He's the reason why I'm in school. He will be the reason why I'll one day make a difference in a child's life. I will not give up on this don't matter what life throws at me. I'm doing this for him, myself, and for all the people that I'll help.

Life...

Only 3 more months before we move!!!!! I'm getting sooo excited! I love my friends here in Waco and will miss them. BUT, I can't wait to leave this place! Starting in November I'll be actively packing. The last few weeks here are going to be minimial. Just enough to get Zachary through school.

Speaking of school, Zachary is doing great! He still loves it! I'm glad he does, because I know it won't last. However, I can't say this semester is going great. I'm making A's in all my classes, but I have absolutely no motivation. I think maybe I have too much going on. At least thats what I'm hoping. I have submitted an application to Tarrant Community College. I should know something soon. I don't see why I wouldn't get accepted. I have also started apps for UTA and Tarleton. I'm not sure if I'd be able to get into those. Maybe if I took the SAT or ACT?? MCC will be one of the things I'll miss about here.

My truck....is finally getting fixed. It quit on us going down the highway. My truck started smoking and it said to find a place to safely stop and then it died. Talk about being pissed!! It has only 43,000 miles on it and it freaking quit!! We had to have it towed to the Ford dealership. For weeks we have been fighting with them to fix it. We bought it brand new with the extended warranty which was $3500 extra. Ford kept telling us that they weren't going to fix it. I don't fucking think so! Today they tell us that Ford has authorized for them to fix it under the warranty. Damn right you are. Anyways, I'm excited about this so now I can trade it in for a car!!! I've been wanting something with way better fuel mileage and something thats easy to get around in the city. Can't wait for my pos to get repaired, lol.

Matt was also told that he may have a job back in doing industrial x-ray. We're hoping he gets it for various reasons. He'll be getting to sleep somewhat normal hours instead of a couple here and there. We could visit him on the weekends and breaks. We would be bringing in a whole lot more money. He can advance in this job field. Only thing is that he won't hardly have time off :/ but we could still visit him.

Overall, I think life is slowly getting back to that point of being perfect. I know it won't ever be perfect because Stetson isn't here with us, but I think we can get close to it. I miss that perfect feeling. I feel like I'm always chasing that feeling and sometimes it feels like it's just a few feet away.

Blah, Blah, Blah

This is how I've been feeling all day. I sit here wishing life could be the way it used to feel. Perfect! Since those few months life feels like it will never compare to back then. I feel like I desperately try to get back to that way daily. I know deep down that it won't ever be the same, but I would like to feel that I can at least get close to feeling that way again. I can't complain though. I have good things going for me. I have a great husband even if I don't always appreciate him. I have amazing kids that love me no matter what and keep my life interesting. I'm in college doing what I've always dreamed of doing. The absence of him makes everything not seem as great as it should. I wish I could go back in time and make that one choice that could change this whole present. I had a bad feeling...why did I ignore it??!!

This time two years ago was so scary. We had hoped for the best even though things were looking so bad. It was so hard to get through. I didn't want to eat. All I wanted to do was sleep and hope that it had all been a nightmare. Now two years later and it still feels the same. I feel like I'm trapped in a nightmare and I just want to wake up. How can so much time pass and feel like it happened yesterday? Why does the one day in my life I want to forget have to be the very first day of school for Zachary?! A day that I'll want to remember forever. I feel like I'm being constantly tested. Why can't life just be easy for just a day?

Here lately I've been feeling so....

lost. My feelings are all over the place. I can't remember if I previously blogged about Matts incident last year. Matt got into an altercation with my brother which led to probation. Well Matt got fired yesterday. His boss claimed that he had never called into work to see if anything was going on. Matt had called a few times, but his boss never answered. Matt didn't even try to fight for his job. He could have shown his boss from his phone where he had tried to call, but instead he just said ok!!!! Since he's on probation nobody wants to hire him!! I'm so stressed!!!! I've been looking for jobs so that I can help out, but I'm being a little picky because I'm going to be going to school full time. All of this stress has led to other feelings. A part of me is telling me that this is a chance to do something else relationship wise. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and deeply care about him, but I'm at my breaking point. We've been through a lot together and I really, really hate to give up at this point. I feel like my love slips away a little each day. I remember when I used to be crazy about him. I wanted to be with him every waking moment and sleeping one, too, lol. Now, we can't even be around each other longer than a day without fighting. I guess it could just be marriage and not being in that honeymoon stage anymore. I just have so many conflicting feelings right now. At times, I feel like there's more out there for me. This is limited to realtionships. I feel like there is so much more out there for my career and the things I want to accomplish. However, I'm afraid that if I were to make a change like this, it would be the biggest mistake of my life. I have a husband that loves me and does his best to take care of me. He's literally my best friend. Nobody knows me like he does, not even close. I'm afraid of losing that to just a feeling of wanting more. But what if I'm just wasting my life away on just a fear? I'm just so lost. I wish I could see into the future to see what choice would be the best for me, my children, my whole family. I seriously don't know what to do.

Confused

Confused is the only thing I could think of that was relevant to how I feel. Today I almost feel angry. I feel angry because I should have a son thats almost 2 and I should be 7 months pregnant. However, I don't have either one. I try to make sense of why these things are not here, but today I don't want to reason.

I feel like a child who has lost their innocence prematurely. My life will never be like it once was. I worried about the smallest things. I'm always thinking what if. I'm tired of it. I just want to let the fear go, but it clings to me. I try to do things to improve my life everyday, but theres always something pulling me back, bringing me down. Its an uphill battle and I'm wondering when I will reach the top of the mountain.

Today, I am also missing Arkansas. I can't really pinpoint why. I don't know if its because my favorite memory of Stetson was made there or if I actually miss the area. Maybe i just want that "innocence" back. I honestly don't like Waco. I know its because I have bad memories here. I feel like nothing is here for me. I can't wait to finish school so I can leave. If you look at Waco objectively, its really not a bad town. Its not too big or small. Lots of family things to do. I just can't see Waco as others see it. I think I miss Arkansas because it was somewwhere new. It has some qualities of Texas but it was different. I think today I am just yearning of something that once was that i can never have back. =/

Things are looking up...

So far February has been awesome! Well minus all the sickness. I think we may have had the flu. Anyways school has really taken off. I'm kind of suprised how tough my speech class is. I thought it would be easy, but boy was I wrong. Also this month Glees new season started lol. Ok people who know me really well know that i'm not big on tv. However, here lately I watch a lot of tv at night and mainly just fox. Glee has become one of my favorites. This month i'll be turning 22. Nothing too spectacular. I don't have anything planned and I will not be drinking-i'll explain why. This month we have finally gotten financially stable. I have saved the best for last;) We have decided to start trying for baby #4!!!!! I'm so effin excited!!! Wednesday I should be getting my opks and pt tests! The only thing is that if I get pregnant this cycle my due date will fall on the day that Matts dad died. When I told him this he wasn't too thrilled, but chances are I wouldn't deliver on that day. Although Zachary came naturally on his due date.

School!!

School is going great and even better than last semester. This semester should definitely be more challenging for me. I'm going full time and taking all my classes online this semester. I had a small doubt about how disciplined I would be at getting my assignments done. So far the I'm at the second week in and I'm doing great!!! I'm very proud of myself so far. I think I'll continue to do great because I'm so highly motivated to do this. I've had 3 assignments in my general psychology class and my average is at a 100! It would be awesome if I could keep it that way. I had a quiz for my speech class and missed only two problems. I'm going to be challenged in speech. I have to make videos of myself and post them to youtube for a grade, lol. I was able to make an account on youtube, now just to be able to upload the videos will be the tricky part,lol. Medical Terminology is way easy. We do a chapter each week and have a quiz every Friday. Very simple and easy for me to get ahead. My a&p class is pretty much a repeat of my science classes in high school. However, I been out of high school for four years so when we are doing two chapters a week and another chapter, then a test, it has kind of become overwhelming. I'm just going to take it step by step. Its just a huge review and a few things are new also, but not a whole lot. Overall I know a lot of people doubted me, which made me doubt myself. So far I can say that I proved these people wrong. I don't think ANYONE knows just how bad I want this. I tell people, but they just give me that look, like they expect me to not follow through. I used to be pretty motivated by things that I was passionate about, but lost it somewhere on the way. After everything that I have been through in the past years, has returned my motivation. Even after the pain of losing a child, I can now say that I absolutely love where my life is at and even more, the direction its taking. =)

I never thought...

I never thought when I met Matt 4 and a half years ago we would be here. I never thought 4 years ago we would be finding out that I was pregnant with Zachary. Here today, Zachary will be 4 in May. He will be starting preschool next year if we decide to do it. I never thought that just under two years ago we would be only two months away from having our second son. Jack will be two in just two more months. I never thought that on his 2 week check up we would be sent to the hospital. I never thought he would quit breathing. I never thought I would look at my son and think my child has died. I never thought he would have gotten so sick. I never thought he would be as healthy as he is today. I never thought that a year ago, on October 10, 2008, I would find out that we were expecting our third child. At this point, I was about to quit babysitting the 7 yr old boy little James and 18 month old Bryan. At this point I was getting really excited about out upcoming vacation. I never thought that my Matt would deliver our son. I never thought life could be so perfect. I never thought Stetson would get so sick in the middle of July. I never thought we would have to make the decision of taking our son off of life support. I never thought any of our kids would pass away before us. I never thought I would be where I am today. I never thought I would be doing the unbelieveable  I remember having my life planned out so perfectly and now I don't know anything. I don't even think about tomorrow anymore. I remember when I thought life was absolutely perfect and it couldn't be better. I have heard the question, if you could see into your future, would you? My answer is hell no! While I have had amazing moments in my life, I wouldn't have wanted to see all the things that have happened over these few short years twice. I honestly don't want to know whats ahead of me. Maybe it's because I'm scared to see that there might be more horrible things coming my way.

Not a whole lot of things have been going on here the last few days. I haven't felt the greatest. I think its exhaustion and stress building up. I think a part of its from missing Stetson. I can't think about him and eat at the same time. I lose my appetite when I think of him. I'm really stressed about the bills. We are behind on most of them. People that are close to me know that I don't even like being one minute late on bills or anything for that matter. I can't wait to get back on our feet again. It's definitely time to get serious about saving money back.

Jacks potty training is going pretty good. He has a couple accidents a day. It's usually when he's outside playing and doesn't want to come in to go potty, lol. I think overall, he's doing well. He has also not had a very good day here lately. Out of nowhere we have bees. The past two days he has gotten stung twice. Today we found the nest so hopefully they will go away. I still can't believe he's almost 2 already. It doesn't seem like it's been almost two years since he was born. I still remember the day we found out I was pregnant with him. It was horrible timing, but thats normal for us, lol. He's now one of our miracles.

Stetson right before we took him off of life support.Zachary with Little James.

Bryan, the little boy I was babysitting.Jack right after birth.

Jack in the PICU.

Maternity photos when I was pregnant with Jack.

Me at full term with Stetson.

Stetson in the PICU.

One of my favorites of Stetson.

Can I run away??

Today has not been great. About 20 minutes after we woke up today it went from perfectly sunny to cloudy and cold. Its been one of those days where everything goes wrong. The boys have gotten to where they hardly listen to me at all. I feel like I have tried everything. Maybe they are sensing my stress and acting out towards it. I'm ready to be back on our feet. I miss Matt. I have 2.5 more weeks before we get to see him again. I try not to complain because we need the money and there are women that have to deal with the loss of a husband or have to deal with deployments. I have a friend whose husband is overseas in the war. Her baby was only about 3 months old when her husband was deployed. He doesn't get to come home until May. I don't see how she does it. I feel like ungrateful for complaining when I read her FB status and it says how much she misses him. I should be grateful for the fact that this is only a short time. A woman on Cafemom recently lost her husband to a horrific motorcycle accident. I don't think I could handle that. Losing Stetson was hard, but we didn't have him for 5 years like I have had with Matt. It doesn't make any less painful,  but I know he's better off. I'm suppose to live the rest of my life with my husband. If I lose him, I lose myself. I wish life was perfect like it was before Stetson was sick. Everything was absolutely great and it only took a few weeks for it to go to hell.