Here lately I've been feeling so....

lost. My feelings are all over the place. I can't remember if I previously blogged about Matts incident last year. Matt got into an altercation with my brother which led to probation. Well Matt got fired yesterday. His boss claimed that he had never called into work to see if anything was going on. Matt had called a few times, but his boss never answered. Matt didn't even try to fight for his job. He could have shown his boss from his phone where he had tried to call, but instead he just said ok!!!! Since he's on probation nobody wants to hire him!! I'm so stressed!!!! I've been looking for jobs so that I can help out, but I'm being a little picky because I'm going to be going to school full time. All of this stress has led to other feelings. A part of me is telling me that this is a chance to do something else relationship wise. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and deeply care about him, but I'm at my breaking point. We've been through a lot together and I really, really hate to give up at this point. I feel like my love slips away a little each day. I remember when I used to be crazy about him. I wanted to be with him every waking moment and sleeping one, too, lol. Now, we can't even be around each other longer than a day without fighting. I guess it could just be marriage and not being in that honeymoon stage anymore. I just have so many conflicting feelings right now. At times, I feel like there's more out there for me. This is limited to realtionships. I feel like there is so much more out there for my career and the things I want to accomplish. However, I'm afraid that if I were to make a change like this, it would be the biggest mistake of my life. I have a husband that loves me and does his best to take care of me. He's literally my best friend. Nobody knows me like he does, not even close. I'm afraid of losing that to just a feeling of wanting more. But what if I'm just wasting my life away on just a fear? I'm just so lost. I wish I could see into the future to see what choice would be the best for me, my children, my whole family. I seriously don't know what to do.

Struggles of the Day

So I haven't talked to any of my family besides one of my aunts and her family since August. I told my parents that all the stuff that happened between Matt and my brother was my breaking point. I told them that my brother wasn't allowed to see my children until he started acting like an adult. He isn't adult yet, but he expects to be treated like one. At that point I told my parents that smoking and drinking was never allowed around my boys again. We have told them these things over the years and have just ignored us. Matt and I have put up with it because they are grandparents of our children. It pisses me off so bad knowing that Jack should NEVER be around smoke because of his respiratory issues. Everytime we would go visit Jack would start having coughing fits. My dad would almost always be drunk. My family had the nerve to tell me how Matt was such a horrible person. After all the things they have done, they should be the last ones to be judging someone elses character. I know Matt isn't perfect, but who is? Anyways after telling my parents how we didn't want these negative things in our childrens lives, my mom laughed at me. Yep, she just laughed. This was the point where I just said fuck it. I feel like she isn't worth my time anymore. I mean how hard is it to be sober and not smoke for an hour or two to see your grandkids?! I know she doesn't want to have anything to do with my boys. Matt took Jack over to their house one night, a couple months ago, and my mom wouldn't even come out of her room to see Jack. I wasn't suprised because she always treated Jack different. For some reason Zachary was aways more important. She would always let Zachary get away with things. If the boys would be fighting, it was always Jacks fault. SO, today I'm getting Christmas cards ready to send out in the mail. I'm having a mental struggle over if I should send my dad one. I know its just a card, but sending it out would be a huge step. I literally have not said a word to him. I have ignored his texts and calls. I've completely taken him out of my life. So the decision seems clear, right? No, it isn't. My dad HAS been trying to do better. Like when Matt took Jack to see my parents, my dad did not smoke or drink and acted like an adult from what Matt said. My dad has seriously been trying to do better so that I will let him see the boys and me. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to reconcile. I feel like I must be completely proven to before I give him a chance. I don't want to take things lightly and then get burned. I seriously don't know what to do.

On a lighter subject, I'm way stressed out about the holidays. We are so not ready for them. We just moved and still have boxes everywhere. We haven't gotten a christmas tree yet. All of our decorations are still in Abilene. We aren't even half way done shopping for gifts and Christmas is only 10 days away!! I was off to a good start and had like 4 people done by Thanksgiving and now I have bought one gift for Zach and one other of our secret santa. As part of my new year resolutions i'm going to put shopping throughout the year for gifts instead of the week before Christmas as one of them. Luckily these are my only struggles. It can always be worse.