What a day!

Today started off ok. Cleaned and cooked all morning. Nothing really going wrong. Matt called me and told me that he has went down a pant size, lol. He's self-conscientous about his weight and so this was making him feel good today. Well the day goes by ok. I tried to make cookies but somehow turned into more of a cross between a fudge and brittle, lol. Don't ask how, it just did. Anyways Matt calls me this afternoon with the bad news. He tells me he'll be home soon. I was thinking ok the job ended earlier. WRONG! He's been fired!! He's being fired over last month's fuel bill. It was only $1300! Ok I know this sounds like a lot but he was driving to Synder, Mineral Wells, and down by Laredo. Well no shit, the bill is going to be higher than the guys working around the shop. Well one of the bigger bosses doesn't like Matt and has been trying to find a reason to fire him forever. Well, he finally got his way. I'm way stressed over this, but I think in the long run it's for the best. Matt has been having to work with alcholics and drugatics this whole time. He has had assistants walk off in the middle of a job and end up in jail. This business is a joke. I have put Matt's resume into four jobs so hopefully something will come up and soon, too. I've been wanting Matt to change jobs for awhile now because of all the crap thats involved with this job. It's so bad that Matt has caught two guys smoking weed at the jobsite!! Man Matt was furious that night. This job has gotten us to get things but honestly I rather be broke and hardly have anything at all than to deal with this. The jobs I sent Matts resume to are the same type of work he's doing now. Bad thing is that they are in different states. It looks like we'll be back on the road again.

My thoughts about 2009

I hate 2009!!

I hate this year with a passion. In February a tree limb fell through our travel trailer during an ice storm. I should have taken that as a sign. This year a family friend has died. My mother in law's step mother died. Our dog died. My mother in law's dog died. Matt's hours got cut back. Stetson got sick and died. My mother in law had another dog die. Now a fellowe member from Cafemom has lost her mother to the Ft. Hood shootings today. WTF?? Why is so many bad things happening this year? It's not fucking fair that there has been so much death. I'm tired of hearing of someone dying every week. Many celebrities have even died this year. A little girl name Brooke lost her life to cancer. A woman died from cancer before I could send her my wigs. A woman lost her husband after he had been deployed. He died in a damned motorcycle accident. I'm tired of seeing all this. I will never forget this horrible year. I hate this year!!!!

I never thought...

I never thought when I met Matt 4 and a half years ago we would be here. I never thought 4 years ago we would be finding out that I was pregnant with Zachary. Here today, Zachary will be 4 in May. He will be starting preschool next year if we decide to do it. I never thought that just under two years ago we would be only two months away from having our second son. Jack will be two in just two more months. I never thought that on his 2 week check up we would be sent to the hospital. I never thought he would quit breathing. I never thought I would look at my son and think my child has died. I never thought he would have gotten so sick. I never thought he would be as healthy as he is today. I never thought that a year ago, on October 10, 2008, I would find out that we were expecting our third child. At this point, I was about to quit babysitting the 7 yr old boy little James and 18 month old Bryan. At this point I was getting really excited about out upcoming vacation. I never thought that my Matt would deliver our son. I never thought life could be so perfect. I never thought Stetson would get so sick in the middle of July. I never thought we would have to make the decision of taking our son off of life support. I never thought any of our kids would pass away before us. I never thought I would be where I am today. I never thought I would be doing the unbelieveable  I remember having my life planned out so perfectly and now I don't know anything. I don't even think about tomorrow anymore. I remember when I thought life was absolutely perfect and it couldn't be better. I have heard the question, if you could see into your future, would you? My answer is hell no! While I have had amazing moments in my life, I wouldn't have wanted to see all the things that have happened over these few short years twice. I honestly don't want to know whats ahead of me. Maybe it's because I'm scared to see that there might be more horrible things coming my way.

Not a whole lot of things have been going on here the last few days. I haven't felt the greatest. I think its exhaustion and stress building up. I think a part of its from missing Stetson. I can't think about him and eat at the same time. I lose my appetite when I think of him. I'm really stressed about the bills. We are behind on most of them. People that are close to me know that I don't even like being one minute late on bills or anything for that matter. I can't wait to get back on our feet again. It's definitely time to get serious about saving money back.

Jacks potty training is going pretty good. He has a couple accidents a day. It's usually when he's outside playing and doesn't want to come in to go potty, lol. I think overall, he's doing well. He has also not had a very good day here lately. Out of nowhere we have bees. The past two days he has gotten stung twice. Today we found the nest so hopefully they will go away. I still can't believe he's almost 2 already. It doesn't seem like it's been almost two years since he was born. I still remember the day we found out I was pregnant with him. It was horrible timing, but thats normal for us, lol. He's now one of our miracles.

Stetson right before we took him off of life support.Zachary with Little James.

Bryan, the little boy I was babysitting.Jack right after birth.

Jack in the PICU.

Maternity photos when I was pregnant with Jack.

Me at full term with Stetson.

Stetson in the PICU.

One of my favorites of Stetson.

Not as bad as I thought it'd be

Halloween was officially our first holiday without Stetson. It was a lot better then I thought it would turn out. Matt is out of town working so that made it a little harder. I got the boys dressed up and we went to the Burleson Boo Bash. It was fun, but I didn't know anyone there and I was by myself with the kids. It was a mess too, lol. Everyone was suppose to be in a one way line getting candy and other treats. We started out the wrong way, but half the people there did, lol. We get to the start of the right line and we stand over 30 minutes before we got up to where they were giving out candy.The thing that was holding the line up so much was the balloon animals. I decided to skip it since the boys were getting restless. They got enough candy in my opinion. I had a reminder that Stetson wasn't with us though. A woman had a baby in front of us that was 5 months old. Stetson would 5 months on the 5th. It didn't get me down really, just made me miss him a little more. One holiday down and many more to go...

Zachary

Jackson

The three of us

Proud of Jack

Today didn't start off too well. I didn't go to skeep till about 5am this morning. I was missing Stetson terribly. I cried for hours until I finally fell asleep. I woke up around 8ish with our boys. I was so exhausted for the first part of the day, that I felt sick. I was sick to my stomach, getting light headed, and couldn't keep my eyes open. By around noon I was feeling a lot better and normal again.

I'm really proud of Jack. We recently fully potty trained Zachary. This morning Jack kept on taking his diaper off so I left it off and put big boy underwear on him. He had only one accident!! I'm so proud of him. He went to the potty every other time. Hopefully this time next month or so we won't have anymore kids in diapers. I can't believe he did so well. I guess we will be doing day potty training from here on out. He is also starting to talk more. There for awhile all he would say was dog. Now he says so much more. My favorite is thank you. I'm also proud of Zachary. He said elephant today. To me it's kind of a difficult word for kids to say, but he said after seeing a circus ad.

As the upcoming holidays get closer the more depressing they seem. Halloween will be our first holiday without Stetson. Halloween isn't at the top of my favorite holiday list, but its a holiday that greatly involves kids. Christmas is the holiday I'm scared of the most. I'm afraid I"ll be depress-like. I really don't want our boys seeing me that way. I know I can't live in mourning forever, but its only been a little over two months since he left. Thanksgiving will make three months and Christmas will make only four months. I just hope that I will have the strength to get through the holiday season and maybe even enjoy it a little.

Can I run away??

Today has not been great. About 20 minutes after we woke up today it went from perfectly sunny to cloudy and cold. Its been one of those days where everything goes wrong. The boys have gotten to where they hardly listen to me at all. I feel like I have tried everything. Maybe they are sensing my stress and acting out towards it. I'm ready to be back on our feet. I miss Matt. I have 2.5 more weeks before we get to see him again. I try not to complain because we need the money and there are women that have to deal with the loss of a husband or have to deal with deployments. I have a friend whose husband is overseas in the war. Her baby was only about 3 months old when her husband was deployed. He doesn't get to come home until May. I don't see how she does it. I feel like ungrateful for complaining when I read her FB status and it says how much she misses him. I should be grateful for the fact that this is only a short time. A woman on Cafemom recently lost her husband to a horrific motorcycle accident. I don't think I could handle that. Losing Stetson was hard, but we didn't have him for 5 years like I have had with Matt. It doesn't make any less painful,  but I know he's better off. I'm suppose to live the rest of my life with my husband. If I lose him, I lose myself. I wish life was perfect like it was before Stetson was sick. Everything was absolutely great and it only took a few weeks for it to go to hell.

Major update!!!

So many things have happened lately. We welcomed our third son to the world on June 5, 2009. I started getting crampy around 8:00am-8:30am. I waited for a few contractions to call my midwife. So around 9am I called Belinda. Well my water broke around 10:30 am or so. When my body started pushing I called my Matt upstairs. I told him the baby was coming and within a few minutes my husband announced that we had another boy. Midwife called a few minutes later to tell us she was almost there. Everything went so perfectly. I let Matt name him. He was named Stetson Wyatt. I wasn't crazy about Stetson, but hey I told him to pick out the name.

We moved back to Texas when Stetson was 9 days old. It was not a fun move at all. We're staying with Matt's parents until we can get back on our feet. We had some major setbacks over the past few months.

At the end of July, Stetson became ill. I took him to the dr. and he told me it was just a cold and to just suction him. I did just that and he progressively got worse. We took him to Cooks where he was correctly diagnosed. www.caringbridge.org/visit/stetson has the details. He grew his angel wings on August 22, 2009. Life has been turned upside down for our family. Things will never be the same. Its hard to think about all the things our baby should be doing. We were fortunate enough to see his first smiles and laughs. I think about him everyday. I would do anything just to be able to hold him again, but I know its impossible. I miss him so much.