:'( rough day

Jack likes someone to sing to him when he's going to sleep. Usually it's no problem, but today it only reminded me of Stetson. We used the Brahms lullaby to put with Stetsons remains in the build a bear. I only knew a little part of the lyrics so I went to look them up. It kinda fits Stetson and made me get teary eyed. I miss him and wonder what he would be like today. I wonder how things would be different now. I started school because of him. We have all changed so much because of his death. Matt and I are planning to have another in a little less than two years from now. I'm excited, but so so scared. I'm afraid of losing another and not being able to make it. We have had miscarriages, but nothing compares to the loss of a child that you got to bond with, to hold, to love. I've become this paranoid person with the other boys too. I'm always worried about the what ifs. I wonder if it will go away and I will be able to relax. I just want to be able to be who I was before Jack even got sick. I used to never flip out over a cough, a sneeze, a stumble, etc. I don't think it will happen. I just have to adjust and try to relax as much as I can, especially when we will be expecting.