Not as bad as I thought it'd be

Halloween was officially our first holiday without Stetson. It was a lot better then I thought it would turn out. Matt is out of town working so that made it a little harder. I got the boys dressed up and we went to the Burleson Boo Bash. It was fun, but I didn't know anyone there and I was by myself with the kids. It was a mess too, lol. Everyone was suppose to be in a one way line getting candy and other treats. We started out the wrong way, but half the people there did, lol. We get to the start of the right line and we stand over 30 minutes before we got up to where they were giving out candy.The thing that was holding the line up so much was the balloon animals. I decided to skip it since the boys were getting restless. They got enough candy in my opinion. I had a reminder that Stetson wasn't with us though. A woman had a baby in front of us that was 5 months old. Stetson would 5 months on the 5th. It didn't get me down really, just made me miss him a little more. One holiday down and many more to go...

Zachary

Jackson

The three of us

Proud of Jack

Today didn't start off too well. I didn't go to skeep till about 5am this morning. I was missing Stetson terribly. I cried for hours until I finally fell asleep. I woke up around 8ish with our boys. I was so exhausted for the first part of the day, that I felt sick. I was sick to my stomach, getting light headed, and couldn't keep my eyes open. By around noon I was feeling a lot better and normal again.

I'm really proud of Jack. We recently fully potty trained Zachary. This morning Jack kept on taking his diaper off so I left it off and put big boy underwear on him. He had only one accident!! I'm so proud of him. He went to the potty every other time. Hopefully this time next month or so we won't have anymore kids in diapers. I can't believe he did so well. I guess we will be doing day potty training from here on out. He is also starting to talk more. There for awhile all he would say was dog. Now he says so much more. My favorite is thank you. I'm also proud of Zachary. He said elephant today. To me it's kind of a difficult word for kids to say, but he said after seeing a circus ad.

As the upcoming holidays get closer the more depressing they seem. Halloween will be our first holiday without Stetson. Halloween isn't at the top of my favorite holiday list, but its a holiday that greatly involves kids. Christmas is the holiday I'm scared of the most. I'm afraid I"ll be depress-like. I really don't want our boys seeing me that way. I know I can't live in mourning forever, but its only been a little over two months since he left. Thanksgiving will make three months and Christmas will make only four months. I just hope that I will have the strength to get through the holiday season and maybe even enjoy it a little.

Can I run away??

Today has not been great. About 20 minutes after we woke up today it went from perfectly sunny to cloudy and cold. Its been one of those days where everything goes wrong. The boys have gotten to where they hardly listen to me at all. I feel like I have tried everything. Maybe they are sensing my stress and acting out towards it. I'm ready to be back on our feet. I miss Matt. I have 2.5 more weeks before we get to see him again. I try not to complain because we need the money and there are women that have to deal with the loss of a husband or have to deal with deployments. I have a friend whose husband is overseas in the war. Her baby was only about 3 months old when her husband was deployed. He doesn't get to come home until May. I don't see how she does it. I feel like ungrateful for complaining when I read her FB status and it says how much she misses him. I should be grateful for the fact that this is only a short time. A woman on Cafemom recently lost her husband to a horrific motorcycle accident. I don't think I could handle that. Losing Stetson was hard, but we didn't have him for 5 years like I have had with Matt. It doesn't make any less painful,  but I know he's better off. I'm suppose to live the rest of my life with my husband. If I lose him, I lose myself. I wish life was perfect like it was before Stetson was sick. Everything was absolutely great and it only took a few weeks for it to go to hell.

Major update!!!

So many things have happened lately. We welcomed our third son to the world on June 5, 2009. I started getting crampy around 8:00am-8:30am. I waited for a few contractions to call my midwife. So around 9am I called Belinda. Well my water broke around 10:30 am or so. When my body started pushing I called my Matt upstairs. I told him the baby was coming and within a few minutes my husband announced that we had another boy. Midwife called a few minutes later to tell us she was almost there. Everything went so perfectly. I let Matt name him. He was named Stetson Wyatt. I wasn't crazy about Stetson, but hey I told him to pick out the name.

We moved back to Texas when Stetson was 9 days old. It was not a fun move at all. We're staying with Matt's parents until we can get back on our feet. We had some major setbacks over the past few months.

At the end of July, Stetson became ill. I took him to the dr. and he told me it was just a cold and to just suction him. I did just that and he progressively got worse. We took him to Cooks where he was correctly diagnosed. www.caringbridge.org/visit/stetson has the details. He grew his angel wings on August 22, 2009. Life has been turned upside down for our family. Things will never be the same. Its hard to think about all the things our baby should be doing. We were fortunate enough to see his first smiles and laughs. I think about him everyday. I would do anything just to be able to hold him again, but I know its impossible. I miss him so much.