This is my motivation!!

This semester has been a struggle for me since the begining. I can't say why because I have no idea why. A few years ago I joined a play group when Zach was about a year and half and Jack was only a couple of months old and left it a few months after. I went through the message board all the way from the begining. Then I saw that they had posted about Stetson passing away. I knew a lot of people had been praying and whatnot, but for some reason it hit me. All those days at the hospital seem like a blur and I can't tell you who called or left a message saying they we're thinking of us. Now, looking back it's overwhelming. I'm very thankful for everyone's thoughts and prayers. Anyways, to get back to the point, I know why I'm in school. Looking at the messages and the pictures, I have found my motivation. He's the reason why I'm in school. He will be the reason why I'll one day make a difference in a child's life. I will not give up on this don't matter what life throws at me. I'm doing this for him, myself, and for all the people that I'll help.

School!!

School is going great and even better than last semester. This semester should definitely be more challenging for me. I'm going full time and taking all my classes online this semester. I had a small doubt about how disciplined I would be at getting my assignments done. So far the I'm at the second week in and I'm doing great!!! I'm very proud of myself so far. I think I'll continue to do great because I'm so highly motivated to do this. I've had 3 assignments in my general psychology class and my average is at a 100! It would be awesome if I could keep it that way. I had a quiz for my speech class and missed only two problems. I'm going to be challenged in speech. I have to make videos of myself and post them to youtube for a grade, lol. I was able to make an account on youtube, now just to be able to upload the videos will be the tricky part,lol. Medical Terminology is way easy. We do a chapter each week and have a quiz every Friday. Very simple and easy for me to get ahead. My a&p class is pretty much a repeat of my science classes in high school. However, I been out of high school for four years so when we are doing two chapters a week and another chapter, then a test, it has kind of become overwhelming. I'm just going to take it step by step. Its just a huge review and a few things are new also, but not a whole lot. Overall I know a lot of people doubted me, which made me doubt myself. So far I can say that I proved these people wrong. I don't think ANYONE knows just how bad I want this. I tell people, but they just give me that look, like they expect me to not follow through. I used to be pretty motivated by things that I was passionate about, but lost it somewhere on the way. After everything that I have been through in the past years, has returned my motivation. Even after the pain of losing a child, I can now say that I absolutely love where my life is at and even more, the direction its taking. =)

I never thought...

I never thought when I met Matt 4 and a half years ago we would be here. I never thought 4 years ago we would be finding out that I was pregnant with Zachary. Here today, Zachary will be 4 in May. He will be starting preschool next year if we decide to do it. I never thought that just under two years ago we would be only two months away from having our second son. Jack will be two in just two more months. I never thought that on his 2 week check up we would be sent to the hospital. I never thought he would quit breathing. I never thought I would look at my son and think my child has died. I never thought he would have gotten so sick. I never thought he would be as healthy as he is today. I never thought that a year ago, on October 10, 2008, I would find out that we were expecting our third child. At this point, I was about to quit babysitting the 7 yr old boy little James and 18 month old Bryan. At this point I was getting really excited about out upcoming vacation. I never thought that my Matt would deliver our son. I never thought life could be so perfect. I never thought Stetson would get so sick in the middle of July. I never thought we would have to make the decision of taking our son off of life support. I never thought any of our kids would pass away before us. I never thought I would be where I am today. I never thought I would be doing the unbelieveable  I remember having my life planned out so perfectly and now I don't know anything. I don't even think about tomorrow anymore. I remember when I thought life was absolutely perfect and it couldn't be better. I have heard the question, if you could see into your future, would you? My answer is hell no! While I have had amazing moments in my life, I wouldn't have wanted to see all the things that have happened over these few short years twice. I honestly don't want to know whats ahead of me. Maybe it's because I'm scared to see that there might be more horrible things coming my way.

Not a whole lot of things have been going on here the last few days. I haven't felt the greatest. I think its exhaustion and stress building up. I think a part of its from missing Stetson. I can't think about him and eat at the same time. I lose my appetite when I think of him. I'm really stressed about the bills. We are behind on most of them. People that are close to me know that I don't even like being one minute late on bills or anything for that matter. I can't wait to get back on our feet again. It's definitely time to get serious about saving money back.

Jacks potty training is going pretty good. He has a couple accidents a day. It's usually when he's outside playing and doesn't want to come in to go potty, lol. I think overall, he's doing well. He has also not had a very good day here lately. Out of nowhere we have bees. The past two days he has gotten stung twice. Today we found the nest so hopefully they will go away. I still can't believe he's almost 2 already. It doesn't seem like it's been almost two years since he was born. I still remember the day we found out I was pregnant with him. It was horrible timing, but thats normal for us, lol. He's now one of our miracles.

Stetson right before we took him off of life support.Zachary with Little James.

Bryan, the little boy I was babysitting.Jack right after birth.

Jack in the PICU.

Maternity photos when I was pregnant with Jack.

Me at full term with Stetson.

Stetson in the PICU.

One of my favorites of Stetson.