Holidays

Well the holidays weren't the best, but I didn't expect them to be. Right after I woke up I felt depressed. Within minutes I was crying because I knew that there should be more of us to celebrate the holidays. Throughout the day I had break downs, but I also had lots of laughs. We stayed in Waco this year. It was very low key for us since we weren't really in the spirit this year. The kids enjoyed it. Jack will be two in a week. I can't believe he's turning into a "big boy". His favorite book right now is "The Foot Book" by Dr. Suess. I have read it about 20 times today, lol. Really not a whole lot is going on at the moment. I don't know if I've mentioned about Matt's job. The company that fired him asked to rehire, but Matt turned it down. It's official that we will be in Waco for awhile. Our laptop is having to be repaired so I'm not going to be able to update as often or post pictures.

Updating

I haven't been on here in awhile so I'm going to catch up on things. The last few weeks have been hectic, but thats how it always is around holidays. Thanksgiving was good but we just spent it with ourselves. Matt was offered his old job back with a paycut and demotion. We decided that he wouldn't go back. Financially it was a tough decision. The pay would have been double of what he's making now, but we feel like this is the right thing to do. The plus side to it is when one of their houses become empty we get to move into it and have free housing.

I think I may have already posted about this, but oh well you get to read it again. I have decided to do nursing for a career. My dream job would be in Pediatrics, prefably the NICU or PICU. I found out that in our area the local colleges only offer an associates degree for RNs. The college that does, we could never be able to afford. So I'm going to take baby steps. I'm planning on getting my CNA here soon. Not a big step, but a tiny one that will get me into the medical field. I think I want to keep going from stepping stone to stepping stone until I get to where I want. I'm getting antsy about going to work. I really feel like this is what I'm suppose to do.

The kids have been doing good. They are growing like weeds. Jack will be two in only 15 days!!! I remember having him, his hospital stay, his er trips, his first clap, everything, like it was yesterday. He talks now and is about halfway potty trained. My baby isn't a baby anymore. He's a big boy.
Zachary is talking like crazy and drives me crazy some days asking questions constantly. In five months he'll be four.Old enough to start pre-k.

Here lately I have been having many bad days and lots of nights where I don't fall asleep.I miss Stetson a lot. I dream about him a lot and I just wish that I could hold him again.

Is anything good going to happen??

My husbands step brother needed an atv and so we let him take over our payments on our Honda. Secretly I'm thrilled about this. It was a fun toy, but it was just a toy. A toy, that Matts job, was eventually going to pay for. Thats the reason why we bought it in the first place. A few days ago we went back to Ft. Worth to get it and take it to Matt's brother. Well we don't have tags for the trailer. We got pulled over and Matt got two tickets. One for the tags and one because his mother didn't have updated insurance cards in her pick up. It wasn't a good night. We didn't get back home until 6am. I think we were all asleep before we hit our pillows.

Just a little while ago, I found out that one of my old good friend's brother died in a motorcycle accident. I'm still in shock over it. I didn't know him real well, but I did meet him a few times. I just can't believe it. I have been pretty fortunate to not have anyone real close to me die until this year. Now it feels like its all coming at once. Its hard to understand death. Its hard to live with the emptiness that was once filled with so much love, happiness, and life. It feels like a part of you dies.

Mom look what I found!!

Matt got fired last Wednesday, I think it was. Before he left his direct boss asked him if he was willing to come back and he tired to rehire him. WTH? Matt told him it depends on how he feels that day. I told him not to go back to that company. Matt put in 6 applications and has four companies to call. He has already gotten a call from a company in Houston and talked to another guy who said he could probably be hired on the spot. Matt has decided to work for the farmer in Waco for the next week or two. I think he just wants a break. He's not going to jump on the first job that comes his way either. He wants to think them through. I'm not crazy about any of the locations of the companies, but he would be traveling where the work is so it doesn't really matter.

Zachary has gotten into the stage where he brings us "gifts". Everydau he comes from outside with a rock, stick, or leaves and puts them in ziploc bags and tells us that it's for us. Well today Zack went with Matt. Matt sent me a picture of Zachary holding a frog and the caption read: "Zack came to me and said I got a frog". I was really suprised by this since he is scared of bugs and such. He is a boy so I better get use to the grossness.

Jack is going to be 2 in a month and a half. I can't believe it. I remember all the things we went through in his first yr of life. He is such the opposite of Zack. He is so rough and tough, but I blame it on him being hospitalized and almost dying. They say what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. I honestly believe it in Jack's case.

Not fired yet...

Matt hasn't been completely fired. Matts manager went above his boss to the owner of the company to talk about Matt's job. The owner told Matts boss which is Shane that if they can come up with the connection of all the places Matt has worked and where he got gas he could keep his job. Honestly this is b.s. because Matt hasn't used his fuel card for personal use. Matt is going to go ahead and try to not get fired, especially since he's never been fired from a job. He has put an application into 6 companies and was referred to two more by inspectors. Today he had to show his replacement what to do at the job. He told the chief inspectors what was going on and he was so mad. He asked Matt for his supervisors phone number so that he could talk to them. Honestly it's a bad time because we are still behind on some things, but I think it will be a blessing for Matt to get away from this company. Last time I talked to Matt he was on his way back to Abilene. He should be here some time tomorrow. Oh I can't wait, lol!! It's been a month since we seen him last. That alone should tell the managers that he isn't using it for personal use or he would have already been up here. Oh well...I just hope Matt will get hired through one of these other companies, even if it means moving to end of the country to the other.

What a day!

Today started off ok. Cleaned and cooked all morning. Nothing really going wrong. Matt called me and told me that he has went down a pant size, lol. He's self-conscientous about his weight and so this was making him feel good today. Well the day goes by ok. I tried to make cookies but somehow turned into more of a cross between a fudge and brittle, lol. Don't ask how, it just did. Anyways Matt calls me this afternoon with the bad news. He tells me he'll be home soon. I was thinking ok the job ended earlier. WRONG! He's been fired!! He's being fired over last month's fuel bill. It was only $1300! Ok I know this sounds like a lot but he was driving to Synder, Mineral Wells, and down by Laredo. Well no shit, the bill is going to be higher than the guys working around the shop. Well one of the bigger bosses doesn't like Matt and has been trying to find a reason to fire him forever. Well, he finally got his way. I'm way stressed over this, but I think in the long run it's for the best. Matt has been having to work with alcholics and drugatics this whole time. He has had assistants walk off in the middle of a job and end up in jail. This business is a joke. I have put Matt's resume into four jobs so hopefully something will come up and soon, too. I've been wanting Matt to change jobs for awhile now because of all the crap thats involved with this job. It's so bad that Matt has caught two guys smoking weed at the jobsite!! Man Matt was furious that night. This job has gotten us to get things but honestly I rather be broke and hardly have anything at all than to deal with this. The jobs I sent Matts resume to are the same type of work he's doing now. Bad thing is that they are in different states. It looks like we'll be back on the road again.

My thoughts about 2009

I hate 2009!!

I hate this year with a passion. In February a tree limb fell through our travel trailer during an ice storm. I should have taken that as a sign. This year a family friend has died. My mother in law's step mother died. Our dog died. My mother in law's dog died. Matt's hours got cut back. Stetson got sick and died. My mother in law had another dog die. Now a fellowe member from Cafemom has lost her mother to the Ft. Hood shootings today. WTF?? Why is so many bad things happening this year? It's not fucking fair that there has been so much death. I'm tired of hearing of someone dying every week. Many celebrities have even died this year. A little girl name Brooke lost her life to cancer. A woman died from cancer before I could send her my wigs. A woman lost her husband after he had been deployed. He died in a damned motorcycle accident. I'm tired of seeing all this. I will never forget this horrible year. I hate this year!!!!

I never thought...

I never thought when I met Matt 4 and a half years ago we would be here. I never thought 4 years ago we would be finding out that I was pregnant with Zachary. Here today, Zachary will be 4 in May. He will be starting preschool next year if we decide to do it. I never thought that just under two years ago we would be only two months away from having our second son. Jack will be two in just two more months. I never thought that on his 2 week check up we would be sent to the hospital. I never thought he would quit breathing. I never thought I would look at my son and think my child has died. I never thought he would have gotten so sick. I never thought he would be as healthy as he is today. I never thought that a year ago, on October 10, 2008, I would find out that we were expecting our third child. At this point, I was about to quit babysitting the 7 yr old boy little James and 18 month old Bryan. At this point I was getting really excited about out upcoming vacation. I never thought that my Matt would deliver our son. I never thought life could be so perfect. I never thought Stetson would get so sick in the middle of July. I never thought we would have to make the decision of taking our son off of life support. I never thought any of our kids would pass away before us. I never thought I would be where I am today. I never thought I would be doing the unbelieveable  I remember having my life planned out so perfectly and now I don't know anything. I don't even think about tomorrow anymore. I remember when I thought life was absolutely perfect and it couldn't be better. I have heard the question, if you could see into your future, would you? My answer is hell no! While I have had amazing moments in my life, I wouldn't have wanted to see all the things that have happened over these few short years twice. I honestly don't want to know whats ahead of me. Maybe it's because I'm scared to see that there might be more horrible things coming my way.

Not a whole lot of things have been going on here the last few days. I haven't felt the greatest. I think its exhaustion and stress building up. I think a part of its from missing Stetson. I can't think about him and eat at the same time. I lose my appetite when I think of him. I'm really stressed about the bills. We are behind on most of them. People that are close to me know that I don't even like being one minute late on bills or anything for that matter. I can't wait to get back on our feet again. It's definitely time to get serious about saving money back.

Jacks potty training is going pretty good. He has a couple accidents a day. It's usually when he's outside playing and doesn't want to come in to go potty, lol. I think overall, he's doing well. He has also not had a very good day here lately. Out of nowhere we have bees. The past two days he has gotten stung twice. Today we found the nest so hopefully they will go away. I still can't believe he's almost 2 already. It doesn't seem like it's been almost two years since he was born. I still remember the day we found out I was pregnant with him. It was horrible timing, but thats normal for us, lol. He's now one of our miracles.

Stetson right before we took him off of life support.Zachary with Little James.

Bryan, the little boy I was babysitting.Jack right after birth.

Jack in the PICU.

Maternity photos when I was pregnant with Jack.

Me at full term with Stetson.

Stetson in the PICU.

One of my favorites of Stetson.

Not as bad as I thought it'd be

Halloween was officially our first holiday without Stetson. It was a lot better then I thought it would turn out. Matt is out of town working so that made it a little harder. I got the boys dressed up and we went to the Burleson Boo Bash. It was fun, but I didn't know anyone there and I was by myself with the kids. It was a mess too, lol. Everyone was suppose to be in a one way line getting candy and other treats. We started out the wrong way, but half the people there did, lol. We get to the start of the right line and we stand over 30 minutes before we got up to where they were giving out candy.The thing that was holding the line up so much was the balloon animals. I decided to skip it since the boys were getting restless. They got enough candy in my opinion. I had a reminder that Stetson wasn't with us though. A woman had a baby in front of us that was 5 months old. Stetson would 5 months on the 5th. It didn't get me down really, just made me miss him a little more. One holiday down and many more to go...

Zachary

Jackson

The three of us

Proud of Jack

Today didn't start off too well. I didn't go to skeep till about 5am this morning. I was missing Stetson terribly. I cried for hours until I finally fell asleep. I woke up around 8ish with our boys. I was so exhausted for the first part of the day, that I felt sick. I was sick to my stomach, getting light headed, and couldn't keep my eyes open. By around noon I was feeling a lot better and normal again.

I'm really proud of Jack. We recently fully potty trained Zachary. This morning Jack kept on taking his diaper off so I left it off and put big boy underwear on him. He had only one accident!! I'm so proud of him. He went to the potty every other time. Hopefully this time next month or so we won't have anymore kids in diapers. I can't believe he did so well. I guess we will be doing day potty training from here on out. He is also starting to talk more. There for awhile all he would say was dog. Now he says so much more. My favorite is thank you. I'm also proud of Zachary. He said elephant today. To me it's kind of a difficult word for kids to say, but he said after seeing a circus ad.

As the upcoming holidays get closer the more depressing they seem. Halloween will be our first holiday without Stetson. Halloween isn't at the top of my favorite holiday list, but its a holiday that greatly involves kids. Christmas is the holiday I'm scared of the most. I'm afraid I"ll be depress-like. I really don't want our boys seeing me that way. I know I can't live in mourning forever, but its only been a little over two months since he left. Thanksgiving will make three months and Christmas will make only four months. I just hope that I will have the strength to get through the holiday season and maybe even enjoy it a little.

Can I run away??

Today has not been great. About 20 minutes after we woke up today it went from perfectly sunny to cloudy and cold. Its been one of those days where everything goes wrong. The boys have gotten to where they hardly listen to me at all. I feel like I have tried everything. Maybe they are sensing my stress and acting out towards it. I'm ready to be back on our feet. I miss Matt. I have 2.5 more weeks before we get to see him again. I try not to complain because we need the money and there are women that have to deal with the loss of a husband or have to deal with deployments. I have a friend whose husband is overseas in the war. Her baby was only about 3 months old when her husband was deployed. He doesn't get to come home until May. I don't see how she does it. I feel like ungrateful for complaining when I read her FB status and it says how much she misses him. I should be grateful for the fact that this is only a short time. A woman on Cafemom recently lost her husband to a horrific motorcycle accident. I don't think I could handle that. Losing Stetson was hard, but we didn't have him for 5 years like I have had with Matt. It doesn't make any less painful,  but I know he's better off. I'm suppose to live the rest of my life with my husband. If I lose him, I lose myself. I wish life was perfect like it was before Stetson was sick. Everything was absolutely great and it only took a few weeks for it to go to hell.

Major update!!!

So many things have happened lately. We welcomed our third son to the world on June 5, 2009. I started getting crampy around 8:00am-8:30am. I waited for a few contractions to call my midwife. So around 9am I called Belinda. Well my water broke around 10:30 am or so. When my body started pushing I called my Matt upstairs. I told him the baby was coming and within a few minutes my husband announced that we had another boy. Midwife called a few minutes later to tell us she was almost there. Everything went so perfectly. I let Matt name him. He was named Stetson Wyatt. I wasn't crazy about Stetson, but hey I told him to pick out the name.

We moved back to Texas when Stetson was 9 days old. It was not a fun move at all. We're staying with Matt's parents until we can get back on our feet. We had some major setbacks over the past few months.

At the end of July, Stetson became ill. I took him to the dr. and he told me it was just a cold and to just suction him. I did just that and he progressively got worse. We took him to Cooks where he was correctly diagnosed. www.caringbridge.org/visit/stetson has the details. He grew his angel wings on August 22, 2009. Life has been turned upside down for our family. Things will never be the same. Its hard to think about all the things our baby should be doing. We were fortunate enough to see his first smiles and laughs. I think about him everyday. I would do anything just to be able to hold him again, but I know its impossible. I miss him so much.

First posting

Well this is my first post so I will just give background. I am a young mommy of two boys and another suprise baby on the way. My kids are all close in age. My oldest will turn 3 in a couple of months and my younger son is 14 months old.Our next child is due in about 11 weeks. My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We are from Texas, but have moved to Arkansas because of my husbands job.We are in the process of him starting his own company. My day to day life can be hectic and sometimes it can be boring.Our younger son has had many medical issues which keeps me busy some days.This is about all I can think of right now.